Improve Your Relationship By Understanding Your Different Languages

Expressing feelings vs expressing information

Even when women and men use the same words, they mean different things. For example, when a woman complains and says: “You never listen to me”, she doesn’t literally mean never, it’s rather a form to express her frustration. A man who isn’t aware of how different his language is from his woman might misunderstand her statement and instead of calming her down, feel defensive and say: “It’s not true that I never listen”. He’s invalidating his partner’s feelings and that will lead to more arguments.

When women talk:

A woman not only uses generalities when she’s upset but also uses it when she has a particular request. For her, being dramatic means she’s asking for support.

Like when a woman says: “We never go out”, she means: “I love going out with you and it’s been quite a long time since we went out last time. What do you think, would you care to take me out to dinner?”

Without understanding the difference between their languages, a man might perceive her statement like this: “You are not doing your job, what a disappointment you turned out to be, you’re being unromantic and plain boring.”

When men don’t talk:

It is challenging for men to correctly interpret women’s words as it is challenging for women to correctly interpret men’s silence.

A man processes information differently from a woman. While a woman explores her thoughts while talking to a good listener, a man thinks about his response before saying it. He formulates his opinion inside and then says it. This process might take from minutes to hours and sometimes, if he doesn’t have the answer, he might not respond at all. This can be utterly confusing to the woman when she doesn’t understand the difference of languages between men and women.

When a man is silent, it simply means that he doesn’t have the answer yet to respond. However, women often mistakenly interpret his silence as a sign that he doesn’t care about her, that he’s ignoring her and thinking that what she said isn’t important enough to respond to which is understandable, because a woman only stay silent when she doesn’t want to talk to the person because she doesn’t trust him anymore or when what she had to say would be hurtful.

Women, understand your man’s silence:

Women have to learn that when a man is upset or stressed out, he will stay silent and go into a sort of “cave”. No one is allowed to disturb him or ask him to get out of that cave. A woman has to accept her man’s reaction against stress and problems and not view his retreat as a sign that he’s ignoring her. She needs to understand that to support her man, she needs, not to make him talk by asking him questions the way she wants to be supported but to respect his need to retreat into his cave.

Eventually, the man will come out of his cave when he’s ready and feeling better, meanwhile, the woman has to distract herself and enjoy doing other things. Here is a list of things a woman can enjoy while her man is in his “cave”:

- Read a book

- Call a girlfriend for a good chat

- Write in a journal

- Work in the garden

- Go shopping

- Exercise

- Cook something you love

Don’t show your man how sorry you are for him when he’s stressed out, however hard it might be, instead let him know that you trust him and you trust that he can sort things out himself. This is very important for his self-esteem and pride. Men do pride themselves for their achievements and successes. They need to prove themselves.

It’s difficult for a woman not to worry about someone she cares about, it simply doesn’t make sense for her to be happy when the one she loves is upset. The man, however, wants his woman to be happy, even when he is upset, that way, he’ll feel loved better and he’ll have one less problem to worry about.

Men, understand your woman’s talking:
Women talk about everything and anything related or not and in no logical order. Women, pride themselves on the quality of their relationships, they believe that the more they share with their partner, the strongest their bond is. However, when they talk, they’re not asking for advice or a solution for their problems, they just want someone to listen and show them empathy. Men, who never talk about their problems and only talk when they need an expert advice, mistakenly assume that their woman is asking for advice or blaming them for their problems, they get frustrated, confused, overwhelmed and defensive.

A woman needs to remind her partner that she’s not sharing her feelings to blame him, that it’s not his fault and that she appreciates him, and men, need to practice listening without feeling defensive and try to restrain themselves from giving a solution. A man needs to understand that complaining doesn’t mean that his woman is blaming him and that by complaining, she’s gradually letting go of her frustrations.

Eventually, the woman will feel much better and calmer after a few minutes of talking.

Men and women, need to stop offering support the way they want to be supported and when misunderstanding arises, remember that we speak different languages.

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