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Disagreements are inevitable in a relationship. They are healthy until they turn into arguments. These arguments can be so destructive. Suddenly we stop talking in a loving matter and start hurting each other, we blame, accuse, complain, demand…

Instead of arguing and hurting each other, it’s important to cool down before discussing the issue. Most disagreements can be easily resolved with mutual understanding and loving and respectful communication.

Not arguing doesn’t mean to hide and suppress negative feelings. It is still possible to express your negative feelings without arguing. If anything, suppressing negative feelings, while in the short-term can prevent arguments, in the long-term, it leads to growing resentment and eventually love dies. If arguing is a war, suppressing negative feelings is a cold war.

It’s Not What We Argue About, It’s How We Argue.

An argument doesn’t have to be hurtful. We are different and we’re bound to have different points of view from our partner on some subjects which makes disagreements almost inevitable. However, people would start arguing about one thing and within five minutes, they start arguing about the way they are arguing. And because of the way they’re being approached, they automatically reject listening to their partner's point of view and start defending themselves. They're hurting each other in the process.

It is quite common for a man, when being challenged, to focus on being right and defending himself. He then forgets to be loving and his caring tone decreases. Because of his uncaring tone, his woman starts feeling upset. The man mistakenly assumes that she’s upset about the disagreement. He tells her not to be upset and tries to give her all the logical reasons why this issue shouldn’t upset her. He’s focused on the content of what he’s saying, while the woman is upset about the way he’s delivering his speech. She becomes resistant and unreceptive to what he’s saying. He’s defending his point of view, while she’s defending herself from his tone of arguing.

Similarly, a woman might unknowingly hurt her man’s feelings while arguing. When a woman is challenged, her tone becomes increasingly mistrusting and rejecting. This can hurt a man especially if he is emotionally involved. And without acceptance and trust, a man responds negatively and tries to defend himself. He takes it personally.

Arguments Strategies.

There are mainly four positions individuals take to avoid arguments. Two that concerns men and the other two concerns women. These tactics, while effective in the short-term, they’re counterproductive on the long haul.

Men arguing tactics.

1- Fight.

When challenged, some individuals tend to get offensive. They believe that to defend yourself, you need to get offensive. They start blaming, criticizing, judging… in order to intimidate the other person into loving and supporting them. They tend to yell and express their anger to make the other person look wrong. And when the latter backs down, they think they’d won, while in fact, they’d lost.

Using strength to get what you want from someone else is a sign of weakness. It not only hurts the other person, but it also hurts the relationship. It weaknesses trust in the relationship and the couple finds it increasingly difficult to be open and vulnerable. Women close up to protect themselves and men shut down and stop caring as much.

2- Flight.

If fighting is a war, flighting is a cold war. Some men choose to retreat and pull away when they have a disagreement with their partner. This is not like taking a time out to cool down. They choose not to talk and nothing gets resolved. In the short-term, this brings in peace and harmony, but in the long-term it builds resentment. Both partners start to lose their passion and drift apart.

To get what they want from their partner, they choose to withhold their love. While fighting is directly hurting, depriving their partner of the love she needs is indirectly hurting and sure enough, she too won’t be able to give as much.

Women’s arguing tactics.

1- Fake.

Women might pretend that everything is fine to avoid conflicts. Surely, in the short-term, the couple is arguing less, but in the long run, the woman is blocking her natural need to express her negative feelings. She’s sacrificing and denying her feelings, desires and needs to avoid possible conflicts. But she’s also growing resentful and unhappy.

A man might use the words “Fine, It’s alright, It’s okay” but that would be a different meaning. What he’s meaning is It’s fine because: “I can handle this. I know what to do. I’m dealing with it and I can figure this out alone”. But when a woman uses these terms, then that’s a sign that she’s avoiding an argument and repressing her negative feelings.

2- Fold.

With this strategy, the person gives in whenever an argument arises. She takes the blame and assumes the responsibility of whatever is upsetting her partner. What looks like a supportive and loving relationship from the outside, is actually a denial and self-rejection from the inside. This person is trying to sense her partner’s desires and then mold herself in order to please him. She loses herself in the process and she’s increasingly growing resentful.

Behind each of these strategies the man or the woman is trying to protect himself/herself from being hurt. Unfortunately, avoiding arguments doesn’t work that way. What works is the following.

How To Avoid Arguing?

Photo by taylor hernandez on Unsplash

It takes two people to argue, but it only takes one to stop the argument. Here are some practical tips to help you avoid arguments when disagreeing:

#1- First and foremost, you need to remember that most of the time, we’re not arguing about an issue, but about the way we’re discussing the issue.

#2- Take a responsibility to recognize when a disagreement is turning into an argument. Right then stop the argument, and take a time-out to cool down.

#3- Reflect on the way you’re approaching your partner and acknowledge his needs.

#4- After cooling down, go back and talk about the issue in a loving and respectful tone.

What The Man Needs.

A man can best handle arguments when he feels loved. However, when he’s deprived of the love he needs, he becomes defensive. On the surface, he might look like he’s discussing the issue at hand, but the real reason for the argument, is because he doesn’t feel loved.

Feeling disapproved of, is equally painful for a man, especially when it comes from his favorite woman. Women often don’t express their feelings directly. Instead of telling her man how his being late worried her, she asks a rhetorical question like "How could you be so late?". Instead of hearing her feelings, the man is hearing her disapproval.

Giving the love and approval a man needs when discussing an issue, is the way to lead an effective conversation and avoid arguments.

Read More: Men Are LikeRubber Bands: Your Guide To Understand Your Man's Intimacy Cycle

What The Woman Needs.

A common pattern for many arguments goes like the following:

1- The woman expresses her negative feelings about an issue.

2- The man explains to her why she shouldn’t feel upset about that issue.

3- The woman becomes more upset about her feelings being invalidated than she is upset about the issue.

4- The man becomes upset as well and blames his woman for upsetting him.

5- The woman apologizes and wonders what happened. Or she becomes more upset and the argument escalates.

While listening to your woman, try to understand why she’s upset and console her instead of telling her why she shouldn’t be upset.

When a woman talks, she’s relieving herself. Eventually, she starts to feel better and her problems seem to be solved just by talking them out. She doesn’t need solutions or advice. She just needs a chance to express herself.

Apologizing.

Apologizing can be difficult for men, because, for them, it means that you’ve done something wrong and you’re apologizing. However, for women, to say “I’m sorry” means “I care about you”. They’re not apologizing for doing something wrong, but they choose peace and express their caring feelings by apologizing. Therefore, a man learning to say “I’m sorry” is the easiest way to derail an argument. For example, when your woman is upset and expressing her negative feelings about something, try to understand why she’s feeling upset and say: “I’m sorry because you feel that way about that issue.”

While you may not like to argue with your significant other, it might happen sometimes. However, when you keep in mind that you approach arguments differently and try to meet the other person’s needs, arguments become more manageable and won’t hurt your relationship.

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It’s not hard to feel the need to change something. However, taking action and making the change is hard. In fact, people who find it hard to make a change usually share some of these signs:

They tend to find excuses why they don’t need to change by convincing themselves that their habits aren’t harmful, or that their spouse won’t approve of the change and won’t support them.
The idea of making a change and stepping out of their comfort zone causes them a lot of anxiety.
Even when the change becomes inevitable, they worry it’ll make things worse. Or they worry that the change won’t last and they’ll go back to their old ways.
If they ever took action on changing, they struggle to stick with it.
They think about making the change, but they always put it off until later.
…

If any of the signs above sound familiar, attempting to change your thinking and behavior will likely bring up some discomfort.

Why Do We Avoid Change?

1. Fear.

Many people fear that changing something might make things worse. You might not like the new job, you might not find someone better… People convince themselves that keeping things the same is the wisest thing to do. However, sometimes you’ll need to feel the fear and do it anyway. Sometimes you need to choose between the pain of being in a toxic relationship and the pain of breaking up, or between the pain of not being able to pay your bills and the pain of looking for another job.

2. Avoiding discomfort.

When attempting a change, people usually worry about not being able to tolerate the discomfort that comes from trying new ways. Someone who’s trying to lose weight dreads giving up the food he likes and the pain that accompanies a workout. What he doesn’t realize is that, his confidence will build up and his ability to tolerate discomfort will increase as he starts taking action, and the discomfort will become more and more manageable.

3. Greif.

Making a change, might mean letting go of things or people for good. Walking away from a toxic relationship means you’ll have to grieve losing your partner. Fear of grief can be paralyzing and prevent us from changing.

The Problem With Avoiding Change.

Avoiding change and remaining stagnant, especially when it becomes inevitable, can present many of the following issues.

It can interfere with your personal growth in other areas of your life. Staying the same isn’t likely going to lead to a rich and fulfilling life.
You risk being left behind. The world around you is constantly changing, and your decision not to embrace change, isn’t going to prevent others from changing. Moreover, if you keep doing everything the same, you won’t learn anything new.
Your life may not get better. Many problems aren’t going to be solved itself, and require you to change. But if you choose not to do something about it, these problems are going to remain unsolved and your life may not get better.
The longer you wait before making the change, the harder it gets. It’s easier to quit smoking after your first cigarette than it is after ten years of smoking. The longer you postpone making the change, the harder it gets. In fact, there’s no perfect time for change better than now.

Preparing To Change.

Even though circumstances around us change quickly, we often change at a much slower pace. Whether it’s an incremental change, an all-or-nothing change, or simply getting bad of a bad habit, when you’re not ready for the change, you likely won’t be successful at maintaining it.

One of the reasons why we tend to break New Year’s resolutions so fast, is lack of preparation and commitment.

Getting ready to make a change requires going through the five stages of change:

1. Contemplation.

This is when people identify a need for change and are actively weighing the pros and cons of making the change. If someone is considering losing some weight, he would start by writing down the pros including enjoying better health, a better self-image… as well as writing down the cons including having to let go of some high-fat food he enjoys, and the pain of working out.

2. Planning.

This is when the actual preparation happens. People establish a concrete plan of what steps they need to take to make the change. The one who’s trying to lose some weight, starts planning what diet he needs to follow, and how many times a week he needs to work out until he reaches the desired weight.

3. Action.

This is where the change takes place.

4. Maintenance.

This step is often overlooked. If making a change is hard, maintaining that change is even harder.

How To Embrace Change.

#1. Identify The Pros And Cons Of Changing.

Create two lists. On one write what is good and what is bad about staying the same. On the other list, write down about the potentially good and bad outcomes of making the change. This will help you determine whether the decision is ultimate for you or not.

You don’t need to change for the sake of change. Switching jobs, moving to a new home, or looking for another relationship won’t necessarily make you mentally stronger or improve your life.

#2. Be Aware Of Your Emotions.

Emotions can influence your decision to change and to keep that change. You might be worried that you won’t be able to follow through with the change, that the change won’t last, and that you’ll go back to your old ways. You might be scared about the possibility of things getting worse, or you might be sad that you’ll have to let go of something in order to make the change. When you examine your emotions, you’ll be able to determine how valid they are, and whether or not to act contrary to these emotions.

Sometimes, you have to change even when you don’t feel like it. However, if the change won’t make a big difference in your life, it might not be worth putting yourself under the stress of change.

#3. Manage Your Negative Thoughts.

Negative thoughts like thinking you won’t be able to endure the pain of change or maintain the change long enough can influence your decision to make the change as well as to maintain it. It can affect your motivation to keep going. Being aware of these thoughts is important to be able to rationalize them and change them into empowering ones. Just because it’s uncomfortable doesn’t mean you can’t do it.

#4. Create A Successful Plan.

Creating a plan for change, will help you implement the change and stick to it. Unless it’s an all-or-nothing type of change, you should create change in incremental steps. Create your plan with these steps:

1. Divide the change into smaller goals that you accomplish in the next week, month or year. Identifying the next goal you should focus on, will help you stay motivated and highlight your progress. Every goal you achieve is an accomplishment. However, make sure you set realistic goals for yourself.

Hello...

#1. Candles.

#2. Cake.

#3. Hot drinks.

#4. Clothing.

#5. Home.

#6. Great outdoors.

#7. Togetherness.

#8. Being present.

#9. Inexpensive activities.

#10. Bikes.

#11. Gratitude.

Hygge emergency kit