The Right Way To Avoid Arguments In Your Relationship
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| Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash |
Disagreements
are inevitable in a relationship. They are healthy until they turn into
arguments. These arguments can be so destructive. Suddenly we stop talking in a
loving matter and start hurting each other, we blame, accuse, complain, demand…
Instead of arguing
and hurting each other, it’s important to cool down before discussing the
issue. Most disagreements can be easily resolved with mutual understanding and
loving and respectful communication.
Not arguing
doesn’t mean to hide and suppress negative feelings. It is still possible to
express your negative feelings without arguing. If anything, suppressing
negative feelings, while in the short-term can prevent arguments, in the
long-term, it leads to growing resentment and eventually love dies. If arguing
is a war, suppressing negative feelings is a cold war.
It’s Not What We Argue About, It’s How We Argue.
An argument
doesn’t have to be hurtful. We are different and we’re bound to have different
points of view from our partner on some subjects which makes disagreements almost
inevitable. However, people would start arguing about one thing and within five
minutes, they start arguing about the way they are arguing. And because of the
way they’re being approached, they automatically reject listening to their
partner's point of view and start defending themselves. They're hurting each
other in the process.
It is quite
common for a man, when being challenged, to focus on being right and defending
himself. He then forgets to be loving and his caring tone decreases. Because of
his uncaring tone, his woman starts feeling upset. The man mistakenly assumes
that she’s upset about the disagreement. He tells her not to be upset and tries
to give her all the logical reasons why this issue shouldn’t upset her. He’s focused
on the content of what he’s saying, while the woman is upset about the way he’s
delivering his speech. She becomes resistant and unreceptive to what he’s
saying. He’s defending his point of view, while she’s defending herself from
his tone of arguing.
Similarly, a
woman might unknowingly hurt her man’s feelings while arguing. When a woman is
challenged, her tone becomes increasingly mistrusting and rejecting. This can
hurt a man especially if he is emotionally involved. And without acceptance and
trust, a man responds negatively and tries to defend himself. He takes it
personally.
Arguments Strategies.
There are mainly
four positions individuals take to avoid arguments. Two that concerns men and
the other two concerns women. These tactics, while effective in the short-term,
they’re counterproductive on the long haul.
Men arguing tactics.
1- Fight.
When challenged,
some individuals tend to get offensive. They believe that to defend yourself,
you need to get offensive. They start blaming, criticizing, judging… in order
to intimidate the other person into loving and supporting them. They tend to
yell and express their anger to make the other person look wrong. And when the
latter backs down, they think they’d won, while in fact, they’d lost.
Using strength
to get what you want from someone else is a sign of weakness. It not only hurts
the other person, but it also hurts the relationship. It weaknesses trust in
the relationship and the couple finds it increasingly difficult to be open and
vulnerable. Women close up to protect themselves and men shut down and stop
caring as much.
2- Flight.
If fighting is a
war, flighting is a cold war. Some men choose to retreat and pull away when
they have a disagreement with their partner. This is not like taking a time out
to cool down. They choose not to talk and nothing gets resolved. In the
short-term, this brings in peace and harmony, but in the long-term it builds
resentment. Both partners start to lose their passion and drift apart.
To get what they
want from their partner, they choose to withhold their love. While fighting is
directly hurting, depriving their partner of the love she needs is indirectly
hurting and sure enough, she too won’t be able to give as much.
Women’s arguing tactics.
1- Fake.
Women might
pretend that everything is fine to avoid conflicts. Surely, in the short-term,
the couple is arguing less, but in the long run, the woman is blocking her
natural need to express her negative feelings. She’s sacrificing and denying
her feelings, desires and needs to avoid possible conflicts. But she’s also
growing resentful and unhappy.
A man might use
the words “Fine, It’s alright, It’s okay” but that would be a different
meaning. What he’s meaning is It’s fine because: “I can handle this. I know
what to do. I’m dealing with it and I can figure this out alone”. But when a
woman uses these terms, then that’s a sign that she’s avoiding an argument and
repressing her negative feelings.
2- Fold.
With this
strategy, the person gives in whenever an argument arises. She takes the blame
and assumes the responsibility of whatever is upsetting her partner. What looks
like a supportive and loving relationship from the outside, is actually a
denial and self-rejection from the inside. This person is trying to sense her
partner’s desires and then mold herself in order to please him. She loses
herself in the process and she’s increasingly growing resentful.
Behind each of
these strategies the man or the woman is trying to protect himself/herself from
being hurt. Unfortunately, avoiding arguments doesn’t work that way. What works
is the following.
How To Avoid Arguing?
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| Photo by taylor hernandez on Unsplash |
It takes two people
to argue, but it only takes one to stop the argument. Here are some practical
tips to help you avoid arguments when disagreeing:
#1- First and
foremost, you need to remember that most of the time, we’re not arguing about
an issue, but about the way we’re discussing the issue.
#2- Take a
responsibility to recognize when a disagreement is turning into an argument.
Right then stop the argument, and take a time-out to cool down.
#3- Reflect on
the way you’re approaching your partner and acknowledge his needs.
#4- After
cooling down, go back and talk about the issue in a loving and respectful tone.
What The Man Needs.
A man can best
handle arguments when he feels loved. However, when he’s deprived of the love
he needs, he becomes defensive. On the surface, he might look like he’s
discussing the issue at hand, but the real reason for the argument, is because
he doesn’t feel loved.
Feeling
disapproved of, is equally painful for a man, especially when it comes from his
favorite woman. Women often don’t express their feelings directly. Instead of
telling her man how his being late worried her, she asks a rhetorical question
like "How could you be so late?". Instead of hearing her feelings,
the man is hearing her disapproval.
Giving the love
and approval a man needs when discussing an issue, is the way to lead an
effective conversation and avoid arguments.
What The Woman Needs.
A common pattern
for many arguments goes like the following:
1- The woman
expresses her negative feelings about an issue.
2- The man
explains to her why she shouldn’t feel upset about that issue.
3- The woman
becomes more upset about her feelings being invalidated than she is upset about
the issue.
4- The man
becomes upset as well and blames his woman for upsetting him.
5- The woman
apologizes and wonders what happened. Or she becomes more upset and the
argument escalates.
While listening
to your woman, try to understand why she’s upset and console her instead of
telling her why she shouldn’t be upset.
When a woman
talks, she’s relieving herself. Eventually, she starts to feel better and her
problems seem to be solved just by talking them out. She doesn’t need solutions
or advice. She just needs a chance to express herself.
Apologizing.
Apologizing can
be difficult for men, because, for them, it means that you’ve done something
wrong and you’re apologizing. However, for women, to say “I’m sorry” means “I
care about you”. They’re not apologizing for doing something wrong, but they
choose peace and express their caring feelings by apologizing. Therefore, a man
learning to say “I’m sorry” is the easiest way to derail an argument. For
example, when your woman is upset and expressing her negative feelings about
something, try to understand why she’s feeling upset and say: “I’m sorry
because you feel that way about that issue.”
While you may
not like to argue with your significant other, it might happen sometimes. However,
when you keep in mind that you approach arguments differently and try to meet
the other person’s needs, arguments become more manageable and won’t hurt your
relationship.
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