Life isn’t a wish granting factory, but as tough and unfair as it is sometimes, it’s still worth living. It will come to you times when you’ll be grieving, you might feel confused and clueless about what to do at those time, so here’s from someone who had been there over and over again.
When you grieve, you feel sad at first. Sad for the loss, sad because you feel empty after something that had been filling your daydreams and thoughts day in and day out. Now and all at once, it’s gone. And like that, you no more have the right to think about it like you used to do. So you feel sad that you have been denied that joy of it being in your life. Sad that something beautiful might not happen again, or any soon at least.
And when you’re alone, you feel like you’re too alone. He can’t be there with you, or in your thoughts. It’s peaceful, but it’s too peaceful that it’s almost depressing. You get the impression that all you’ve been doing all day long was running away from this calm, running away from your thoughts, from reality, from the fact that you’re after all alone, you’ve come alone and you’ll leave this life alone.
Then, you cease being sad. Or maybe it’s just you deciding that you’ve had enough and now it’s time to stand for yourself and get your life together. You miss the happy you, you remember how happy you used to be even before him, just happy on your own, and you decide you want to find yourself again.
Then as you try to be happy again, here comes the second stage, the anger. You feel angry because you keep fantasizing about him every now and then, even though you’ve long before forbidden yourself not to wonder back to those feelings, you’ve long before decided you want to stand for yourself and leave the past way behind you. But you can’t get yourself to focus on that decision and that’s only partly the reason why you’re angry. The other part is going back through all the wrong he did you and probably still doing, and that’s regardless of whether it’s true that he had done you wrong, or it’s just you wanting to put the blame on someone else.
It’s the moments you spent and still spending thinking and fantasizing about him. The thoughts you lost and still losing on him. The hopes that rise within you each time you catch him staring at you, and the disappointments you feel when he is not staring. The good feeling you feel when you see him laughing and the bad feeling you feel because you know that he’s better off without you. The annoying feeling you get when he stands there waiting for you to go before him like the gentleman he is, and the abandoned feeling you feel when he doesn’t wait and leave without a single glance. For that and more, you hate him, and you hate yourself for loving him while keeping on fooling yourself that you’ve moved on already.
You feel too angry to let go or forgive, it consumes you, it’s eating you alive, and you feel helpless, searching for answers to questions that are left unanswered. You start wondering and going through the same questions every night, thinking maybe if you found any answers, you’ll cease feeling angry or hurt, stop this grieve and find some peace again. You know that you can’t get those answers from him, because you’ve tried to and you’ve seen clearly that it’s useless, and you probably had tried to convince yourself that it’s useless to ask them in the first place, that some things are best left unanswered, but you keep asking just the same. You try to figure out where it went wrong? What could have been done differently? and could you get back together?
Then you feel numb, you can’t feel anger, or hate, and certainly not love. You just cease to feel, it’s empty in there. If anything you feel indifferent. You try to stand for yourself and with all your dignity, you cease to care anymore, you shut it all down. You try to be happy, and you are, bit by bit.
It might feel overwhelming to keep thinking about it every single day and night, you might feel like you’ve failed yourself to forget about it and move on, but it’s all about embracing it, and not running from it, after all, it will definitely come a time when you won’t be thinking about it at all. You’ll wake up someday and you won’t feel as heavy chested as you do now. As you move on, pay attention to those signs of moving on, those small ones that go by unnoticed. Noticing them can be a great encouragement and a prove that you can get through it after all.
Just know that it’s totally normal to think too much about it at the beginning, no matter how long this beginning might feel. Scientifically, one needs more than 100 days to move on from a failed relationship.
Last, after you’re done grieving and life is going on again, you might see him again, or just think about him, this time, not in an intimate way, or sad or angry one, but you just imagine things differently. You imagine him regretting letting you go, you imagine him coming to you again and you with all the dignity left in you, decline, tell him he’s too late and tell him that you already found someone’s great, which you didn’t yet but then you didn’t tell him anything at all, it’s all in your head. It’s for the mere pleasure of these thoughts, not exactly that you want to hurt him or anything, you’re probably reconsidering telling him that you’re with someone else, for that might hurt him deeply in such circumstances, but it’s just the pleasure of feeling important, that you’re not one’s easy to replace and forget. We all want to feel important and what’s wrong in that? Only you might get disappointed when you see him again all happy and cheerful, and far from regretting letting you go or anything alike.
Thinking about all the wrong, men did me, trying to decide which of it was worst; being cheated on and neglected, being treated as a sex object and beaten up, or with you, being deceived, charmed into your love and then being told I was making it up all by myself, that you had no feelings for me whatsoever. Which of it was the hardest on me? I couldn’t decide. Would choosing the latter be because of it being the freshest wound among them?
Would there ever be someone who will treat me well and never do me wrong? Or shall I settle for some kind of bad treatment! Just choose the least hurting? Because men are no angels after all, they can’t be flawless and because princes exist only in fairy tales and life is no fairytale.
But it’s not like I’m writing about you, this is not about you, this is about me.