I just came out of a failed relationship, the last thing on my mind was to fall in love again, especially not from this new town, especially not a mate in college.
I needed no love, I didn’t ask for love. For once in my life, right when I started to feel independent, whole and complete, you came to me, and I fell for you high over heels, not because you complete me, nor because I needed someone to love, nor because I was alone, but because you’re the one I want, you’re the one I needed when I wasn’t feeling any need. I never had any urge to open up to anyone, not even my family, nor my closest friends did I ever opened up to. But when I knew you, I felt for the first time, that I need to open up, that I have the right to tell someone about my problems, about my concerns. I felt for the first time that I have the right to be comforted, to be cared about. I thought that I finally came to accept myself completely, but the way you accepted me, made me question how much am I accepting myself. I felt for the first time loved truly and deeply, not for the way I looked, you saw me on those stressing days and when I wasn’t on my best and I felt no difference, as if I didn’t need to impress you. You were there when I needed you and even when I didn’t, even when we’re miles apart, I feel no difference, it’s as if you’re here with me. I just know that as soon as I’ll reach out for you, you’ll be always there for me as soon as you can and I never felt this fulfilled, this happy before. Only when I loved you that I came to the realization that I never loved anyone before, that I merely liked some guys, but nothing deeper.
I feel most vulnerable when I look into your eyes, not exactly afraid of you, but I feel like he’s my refuge from life.
The sight of you makes me happy, the thought of you makes me smile like a stupid and I can’t help it. Each time it goes like this for me, I try to focus on doing something and all I seem to do is recalling images from our last encounter. I keep replaying those few moments over and over again, each time the same thrill, the same infatuation and I just can’t get enough of it.
With you, it was never been about sex, but intimacy, never about appearances but total acceptance, never about control but confidence and trust.
I can’t promise that I’ll love you at every single passing moment, I mean I will but I won’t feel like it at times when it’s hard to understand you or when I’m too angry to think straight. But I promise one thing that I’ll love you truly and deeply. I don’t know any better way to love you, I wish I could've given you better, way too better than this, you deserve way better, but I’m a broken soul and who is not!
After a failed relationship, I thought that the fault was mine, that I allowed someone to treat me bad, that I should’ve stopped him, I didn’t realize until now that it wasn’t my fault, it was simply that there’s a right one and there’s one who is not.
I was afraid to fall in love again, I thought that I’ve had enough that I don’t want to go through all the pain, the jealousy, the hurting, the fear of losing the one I love. With you I felt loved truly and deeply, no matter how I looked like, if anything, I was only taken extra care of when I looked bad on those most stressing days.
Life is laundry and dishes and groceries and cooking. Life is reading together on the couch, not saying anything. Life is made of getting gas and running errands and paying bills. Life is watching the sunrise, finding the calm before a busy day. Life is quick kisses on our way out the door. Life is families. Life is hectic and crazy and tiring. Life is not perfect. Life is mistakes and I'm sorries and I forgive yous. Life is finding empty mugs strewn all over the house. Life is biting back the infuriating comment. Life is studying and working and crashing at the end of the day. Life is dusting the living room and vacuuming the floors. Life is laundry and dishes again, because those never end. Life is imperfect people loving each other.
And my dear, I want to do life with you." -Unknown
I was deep in love, deep in infatuation and deep in my fantasies. I’m smiling all the time, like an idiot. I’m hoping and I know well enough that the only thing I’m going to get from those high hopes, is disappointments and hurting. But it was about taking the risk. No matter how much we get burned from love, we keep touching the flames, we get our hopes high and we believe that this time is the exception to the rule, we believe because we’re desperately in need to feel loved.
I feel all this love and for a moment I feel so excited, yet afraid at the same time, afraid of the unknown, afraid I might go through another heartbreak. I’ve been there and I don’t know if I can survive one more heartbreak, but then what if there were no more heartbreaks, what if we lived happily ever after.
I was wondering when will I get to finish this note, it seemed to me back then that I probably won’t, that I’ll just post it when it gets to a certain length. I never thought that I’ll finish it on the day I confessed to you my love and you being the gentleman you are declined politely.
“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.” —Flavia Weedn
“Love doesn’t always have to be reciprocated. We can just love. If love doesn’t come back to you, it is still love that you give and that you feel. We do not always have to look to get something back for what we give.” —H. H. the Karmapa