My childhood wasn't easy, nor was my teenage years obviously, but then when I grow up and become more conscious of the world around and learned more about life and myself, I decided that it was high time I changed and became happy. I wanted a fresh start with a new college, new friends, new place... I was running from my past, I thought that since it was my source of misery, I should then distance myself as far as I can from it.
It went fine until I came across an experience similar to another experience I had in the past, right then it seemed to me as if I failed in the change I wanted to make because I was acting in my same old ways. Like for example if I saw some of my friends from the past, I feel blocked and I would talk to them the way I used to do in the past, which I was putting in efforts to change it and it worked as long as my past wasn't concerned. I knew then that I can't keep running from my past anymore.
"Most of our present blockages can be traced back to a past life. Dealing with problems only in the present can be likened to mowing dandelions. You can cut them down, but they'll keep popping up again and again. It's only by digging down into the roots that you can prevent them from resurfacing." Denise Linn
What made me understand that my source of problems is nothing else but my past, was a book I had the chance to read, it's "Past lives, present miracles" for Denise Linn. It's a journey of healing, not just spiritually, but also physically eventually. Below are some of what I've learned through this journey of healing:
Understand, then take the decision!
My biggest source of complexes was my mom, I'm not ashamed to say so. When I was a child, I felt shameful to even think that I hated my mom, I mean everyone loves his mom, don't they. But I'm not ashamed of thinking so anymore, if my mom did me much harm and I couldn't get along with her, then it's okay, I'm not going to force things anymore, most of all, I'm not going to go after her for approval and I won't let it hurt me or upset me to be treated badly. I now understand that it's not about me, whatever she did wasn't because I somehow didn't deserve to be loved or because I did anything wrong, no! It was all about the person she was, and it's fine. I can't change her. Even expecting someone to change is a sort of trying to change people, but I still can change my response.
When my family sits for lunch or dinner, mom wouldn't get me a plate or a spoon. It used to hurt me of course and make my mind go wild thinking of all the reasons why she does that. I used to feel worthless, but then when I grow up, although I become less sensitive, this keeps upsetting me somehow and I feel bad about myself because I think that I failed to change. Now regressing back to the first times I felt upset because of her act, I understand that it wasn't me being worthless or doing anything bad. It was about my mom, the person she is. Why she did and still doing this doesn't matter, I can't understand her, I can't change. I can't make her love me, let alone accept me. I don't really know about love, I mean every mother should be loving her children, but as for acceptance I never felt accepted by her. She did me wrong enough and i'm letting go of trying to have her approval.
When I was young, mom used to tell me that I was ugly especially when she takes pictures and we watch them later. I grow up thinking that I'm ugly, it was especially related to pictures. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror I wasn't seeing ugliness so I lived normal, but when taking pictures is concerned I would freak out and do everything to not appear in any picture. I ended up growing with no pictures for my teenage self except for those used for formal papers and school and it alone was a nightmare. When I grow up and decided to change, I started taking pictures of myself, and I thought that bit by bit I'll get used to it and I'll get over my phobia. Yet, when someone wants to take a picture of me with people I would often panic, sometimes I refuse to take it with them but often I force myself and I would come out nervous and it would show in the pictures. I was seeing it as a failure, me who had been working hard to change and get over my complexes, I lost so much weight, I went through a surgery to remove my glasses, tried a lot of product for my skin, cut and dyed my hair..., forgetting that the only thing I should be working on is the source of the problem; My past, my mother who made me believe that I look ugly in pictures. Now, as I went through my childhood pictures, I didn't see any ugliness, I only saw a beautiful, special little girl, full of joy and life. I don't know what made mom say I was ugly and I can't change her mind and make her believe that I'm beautiful the way I am. I can only let it go and change her words in my mind, now that I understand that it wasn't about me, probably she was too blind to see how special her daughter was, maybe her close mind pictures a single way for a little girl to be beautiful.
I wanted to feel accepted and who doesn't! Yet, I was denying myself in the process. Each time I feel like I want to be myself, something comes in my way and holds me back, which would be often my family, disapproving for my talk or deeds. So as I grow up I divided people into two groups, others who are normal and me who is not. I always felt like I'm out of place, different in every kind of way, I found their language hard somehow thus I couldn't express myself properly. Now that I'm grown up I wanted so bad to be myself, so I tried and worked so hard on that. As I came out to the public the same blocks had appeared, but now as I regressed back to my past I remembered that I wasn't originally from here, I spent the first years of my childhood in a different city. I then started accepting myself and seeing myself finally as a normal person, most of all I started being myself and talking with my own accent. Being different now doesn't feel odd to me anymore because I know I'm not alone, there are people like me out there, it's just me in a different place with different people and it's okay. I know that people instinctively refuse anything different, I don't have to be the way they want me to be, they won't be pleased anyhow, so I made the decision that when someone gets in my way and tries to deny who I am, I'll let it go and keep moving on whether they accepted me or not. Not being accepted, isn't a sign that I'm not a good of a person, it's a sign that I'm different and that's fine.
Some of us might hold themselves subconsciously from material abundance, I myself, since I was a child, used to feel bad about being rich. It's not that I was that wealthy, but I used to like poverty better. It's ironic because I know that a lot of people out there are suffering from poverty. When I was a child I couldn't wear any of my new clothes, not until they stayed in the closet for a couple of years before wearing them for the first time, it was weird, but even as I grow up, I still felt that discomfort whenever I'm about to wear something new, wishing somehow I wouldn't have to wear it and wear my old ones instead, but I couldn't allow myself anymore. I got to get over this. Yet, it wasn't just a matter of forcing yourself until I get use to it, I had to regress back to the past to understand why I'm doing that. I used to be sad when I was a child, so I attributed it to wealth. I used to consider it my source of my misery and each time I go through an experience where I'm exposed to wealth it blocks me and brings back past memories of me being sad. When I go to a fancy house, I feel suffocated. When I got to choose a new place to move in, I come across many houses and I thought that most of them were too fancy to live in, I chose the least fancy house among them. It's not like I can't afford a decent one, but I knew that I won't feel comfortable in a fancy house. I couldn't allow myself to have anything of a value. Right then, I thought that something is wrong and that it was high time I made peace with it, be okay with being rich and start feeling comfortable with rich people and with being in their houses. Now that I understand that my sadness back then had nothing to do with being wealthy or not, I decided to allow myself abundance.
One shouldn't underestimate the effect of a past incident on our present life. I was running away from my past because it hurts. Yet, I still feel the same hurt each time I experience something similar to a past experience, which means that I'm subconsciously a prisoner to that past, and the right way to heal from my pain, isn't to run away and start a new life, it's to make peace with my past before moving on to something else.
"Past-life regression is healing because it allows you to get to the source of your problems; until then, you're dealing with symptoms rather than causes." Denise Linn
Understand it, take the decision and change your present and that's all it takes.