Men think that when they do something big for their women like buying her a new car or taking her on a vacation, they’re scoring higher than doing the small things, like giving her a hug, complimenting her or buying her a flower. Thus, they’re focusing their energy and time to do one or two big things. Men believe that by doing something small for their partner, they’re scoring one point and by doing something large, they’re scoring 30 points. Unfortunately, women keep score differently, no matter the size of the gift, small or big, the score is always one point for each deed or gift. Without understanding the difference in score keeping, men and women are continually frustrated and overwhelmed in their relationships.

When a man becomes successful and his career demands more of his time and energy, he’ll be eventually giving less and less to his relationship. From the woman’s point of view, her man is giving less, and she now had to take care of more things in their house and lives. She believes she’s doing more than he does and she grows increasingly unhappy and resentful. From the man’s point of view, he’s scoring more because the pay of his work is now much bigger. For him the score is even, he’s satisfied with the new situation except for one thing, his woman isn’t happy so he blames her for needing too much which makes her even angrier.

Women, here’s what you need to learn:

1- In order to continue giving for his woman, a man needs to be appreciated. He needs to know that he’s being useful and that what he’s doing is making a difference. With a little smile or a “thank you”, a woman can let her man know that she appreciates what he’s doing for her and that he has scored a point. It is a great encouragement for a man to know that he’s not taken for granted and that his efforts are being appreciated.

2- A woman needs to accept her man’s tendencies to focus his energy and time on his work more than his relationship, it is not a sign that he doesn’t love her or care for her, but rather understand that he is focused on doing the big things. Through accepting this, she can work, more effectively, on letting her man know how much she appreciates the little things as well. She can help him to give her more by directly requesting things to do for her and encouraging him to do more by giving him the appreciation he needs.

3- Men strive for success because they’re craving to feel loved, they want to feel worthy of the love of their women. By appreciating the little things your man does, you can make him feel loved and his addiction for success will ease off.

- Appreciated or not, women keep giving to their men. They don’t keep score like the men do, they give freely and openly and expect for their men to do the same. After some time, they begin to feel resentful. Because of this resentment, they stop giving their men the love they need and men, on the other hand, will grow resentful as well. The solution for this problem is for women to take responsibility for having contributed to her problems by giving too much and not giving the chance for their men to give as much. A woman, when the score becomes uneven, needs to take a rest and let her man take care of her more.

4- When a woman feels resentful, she tends to reject the support of her man, even though that’s the most thing she’s craving for. She tends to negate the value of his efforts and his score gets as high as a zero. By taking responsibility for her problem, she can stop blaming him, start a new score recording and give him the chance to give her more.

5- Don’t wait until the score is greatly uneven to ask him, but also don’t demand his support. Trust that he wants to support you even if he needs little encouragement.

6- Men give points differently, they care more about feelings than deeds. When you do something for him with a smile, they give you higher points than when you do it without a smile if they gave any points in the latter case at all.

7- Just like the ability of women to give love fluctuates, men’s needs for love fluctuates as well. The more they need their women’s love, the higher the points will be. If for example, a man has made a mistake, it’s then when he needs his woman’s support most. If she doesn’t blame him or disapprove of him and instead accept him and support him, he will then give her more points. If on the other hand, she doesn’t respond y being support at his moments of vulnerability, he might even give her penalty points.

Men, here’s what you need to learn:

1- Your work, be it successful or not, is only scoring one point.

2- The little things you do for your woman scores as much as the big things.

3- By being more understanding for his woman’s resentment, a man can start giving her more without feeling hurt when being rejected or when his efforts aren’t as appreciated as he thinks he needs and deserves. When a man takes his responsibility for contributing to his woman’s resentment by neglecting to do the little things for her, it can much easier for him to understand that he needs to give more before she can be able to give again.

Ways to score points with a woman:

There are many ways to score points with a woman a lot of men know about, but don’t realize how important they are for a woman.

1- Kiss her and hug her before going to work and when getting home.

2- Ask her about her day and listen to her with empathy.

3- Buy her flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions.

4- Plan a surprise date rather than asking her what she wants to do on a Friday night.

5- Offer to make dinner or help her with a chore when she is tired.

6- If she looks or smells good, tell her.

7- When you’re going to be late, call her and let her know.

8- When she needs to talk to you, offer her an undivided attention, turn off the TV and put down the paper.

9- If she asked you to fix something around the house, fix, don’t postpone it any longer.

10- Hold her hand in public

11- When leaving, ask her if she needs you to pick up something at the store and remember to pick it up.

12- Call her from work and tell her “I love you” or “I miss you”.

13- Share house chores with her and always do your part.

14- Clean your car before a date with her.

15- Offer to give her a massage.

16- Be understanding when she needs extra time to dress up.

17- Take pictures for her on special occasions.

18- Ask for her picture to carry t in your wallet.

19- Write her a note of love on special occasions.

20- Keep the bathroom floor clean and dry after taking a shower.

21- Open the door for her.

22- Offer to carry heavy stuff for her around the house.

23- When on vacation, take responsibility to load and unload the luggage.

24- Compliment her cooking.

25- Offer her a list of “to fix” and “grocery to buy” in the kitchen and do it whenever you can.

26- If she’s tired, offer her some tea.

27- Don’t answer the phone at intimate moments.

Through doing the little things, both the man and woman are to benefit. The woman is more fulfilled and satisfied because she’s getting the care she needs, and the man will feel more effective and powerful.

If anything, working less, for a man, in order to devote more time for his woman, is proven by many who had tried it, to make them even more successful, it’s because their woman became happier with the changes, that they also became much happier and comfortable in their relationships and in their lives. When a man has a balanced relationship, he then will be able to perform better in his work. He’s more confident and more productive.

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If you’re not getting the support you need from your relationship, it’s quite possible that you’re not asking for it enough or maybe you’re asking in a wrong way. While this issue concerns both men and women, it is more difficult for women to ask and get the support they need.

Why is it hard for women to ask for support?

The reason why women find it hard to ask for support is that a woman instinctively offers her support when she loves someone, the more she loves that person, the more motivated she is to give and offer support. A woman instinctively senses the needs of her lover and offers support, she mistakenly expects her man to do the same. For a woman, giving support is a form of showing your love, she may even test a man’s love for her by how much he offers her support.

Unfortunately, things work differently for men. For them, if you want support, you’ll need to ask for it. They don’t offer help unless they’re asked to. This can be confusing for a woman, especially because if she asked him in a wrong way, it’ll turn him off and if she doesn’t ask at all, she’ll get little or none at all.

Where did things go wrong?

At the beginning of a relationship, men are willing to give to their partner, and after some time, they stop giving. The woman, however, continues to give patiently and lovingly, she assumes that her man doesn’t have anything more to give for now, but that, eventually, he’ll catch up. The man, on the other hand, assumes that he gave enough, that the score is even, that’s why his woman continues to give without asking for more. He’s waiting to be asked for support before giving further.

By this time, the woman grew resentful and when she asks her man, the request comes out as a demand. She even resents the fact that she had to ask for his support. Even if the man says yes, she still believes that if she had to ask for it, then it doesn’t count.

Men, don’t respond well to demands and resentment. Demands are a complete turn off for them. If they sense a woman’s demanding tone, they often say no, and even tend to give less for a while.

How to motivate a man: The three-steps asking approach:

The key to getting what you want from your partner is by following these three steps:

(1) Asking correctly for what you're already getting;

(2) Asking for more, even when you know he will say no, and accept his no;

(3) Assertive asking.

Step 1: Asking correctly for what you're already getting:

- Become aware of the little things your man does for you, like fixing things around the house, cleaning, taking out the trash, picking up the kids…

- Start asking him to do these little things that he already does, in a non-demanding tone.

- When asking, be careful not to ask your man something he’s about to do, it’ll make him feel as if you’re telling him what to do.

- Ask directly, instead of saying: “the trash is full, I can’t put anything else in there.”, just say: “Would you empty the trash.”

- Don’t use the word “Could”, instead use “Would”. When you say to your man: “Could you empty the trash?” He may perceive it as an insult. Of course, he can empty the trash, the question isn’t if he can or can’t empty the trash, but will he empty the trash. When a man answers to a “could-you” question with a yes, it doesn’t feel to him like he made a promise, he may, therefore, not do it. But to answer to a “would-you” question with a yes, it does feel like he made you a promise and thus he’ll do it.

- When he does those things, express a lot of appreciation, and let him know that you’re not taking him for granted.

It is important in this step to get your man used to you asking from him with a non-demand tone and with a lot of appreciation afterward. It is important also not to ask for more than what he is used to doing.

Men need a lot of love and acceptance, when you demand from him, all he hears is you telling him that he’s not doing enough. He tends then, to give less. But the more you appreciate him, the more he’ll give for you.

Step 2: Asking for more, even when you know he will say no, and accept his no:

When the man gets used to you asking for support without expecting more. You’re giving him the message that he’s good enough. He feels appreciated and accepted. Then, he’ll start to stretch his abilities more and offer more support. At this point, you can start asking for more.

- It is important at this step to not only ask correctly but also, accept his NO and make him feel loved and accepted even when he says no. if the man felt free to say no or yes to your request without being disapproved of, he will then tend to say yes more frequently.

- Practice asking for support, even when you know for sure that he’ll say no and even for the things you intended to do it yourself because you know that he’ll say no.

- Be prepared for his NO, when he tells you he can’t or “couldn’t you do it”. Have a ready answer like “Okay”, or “No problem”. And act as if it is perfectly okay with you that he said no. That way, you’re making it safe for him to say no to your request without him feeling disapproved of. To feel loved despite saying no to you will be dearly appreciated by the man, and next time you ask him, he’ll tend to say yes as much as he can. Your acceptance and trust are stretching his ability to give more.

Step 3: Assertive asking:

After practicing asking correctly for support and graciously accepting no as an answer, in this step, you’re not accepting his “No”, you don’t just say “Okay” and go by, but you wait for him to say yes, even when he shows signs of resistance.

- When he resists your request, just stand there, stay silent and accept his resistance.

- After you have asked, expect him to moan, groan, scowl, growl, mumble, and grumble. Do not disapprove of his resistance, just go along with it. If he says: “I’m busy, why don’t you do it yourself.” Just say: “I’m busy too. Will you please do it?” then remain silent. His resistance has nothing to do with his willingness to give support, but to the timing of the request. To resist is a sign that the man is focused on something else and that he’s considering the request. If he was unwilling to give support, he will simply and calmly say no. By ignoring his resistance, it’ll go away quickly.

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We’re different, the fact is well settled. But what’s more important to know is, how different are we. Without understanding the difference between men and women, our relationships can get too frustrating and overwhelming. Below are seven differences between men and women you need to know if you want a happier and healthier relationship:

1- The need to talk

Men rarely do they discuss their problems, but when they do, it’s a way for them to ask you for your advice. On the other hand, women have a dire need to communicate and share their feelings and thoughts for the mere sake of sharing. They don’t need solutions, they simply need someone to listen and show empathy.

Because of this difference, when a woman shares her thoughts and problems, the man would perceive it as a request for his advice. He would then, interrupt her every now and then to steadily give her flows of advice she isn’t asking for. Eventually, the woman would give up talking and would complain that he isn’t listening. Thus, the man is left confused, wondering what went wrong.

When the couple acknowledges and understands their differences, the woman would see his advice as an expression of love and the man wouldn’t take his woman’s rejection of his advice too personally. Instead he’ll try to listen better and restrain himself from giving his solutions. The women, as a result, would feel more loved and fulfilled.

2- Coping with stress:

When a man is going through a stressful time, he might not feel like talking about what is upsetting him. The woman, however, might view it as a sign that her man is ignoring her or that she isn’t important enough to him to confide in her. This common belief is emanating from the fact that, unlike men, when a woman feels upset, she needs to talk about her problems to someone she trusts.

When a man feels upset, he focuses on solving his problem on his own. But if he wanted to talk that would be a sign that he’s asking for an expert advice. A woman, on the other hand, feels immediate relief through talking herself out. She discusses her problems randomly, small or big and in no logical order. She isn’t asking for an advice, she simply needs for her man to listen to her and show her empathy.

When a couple understands their difference, the man will be able to show more empathy. He will try to listen better to his woman, without trying to give her advice and without getting overwhelmed with all the details she’s reciting. And the woman, then, will try to understand her man’s need to withdraw and not talk about what is bothering him. She’ll try to be more considerate and not take his withdrawal personally.

3- Motivating each other to work on the relationship:

Women seem to give more than men do when it comes to a relationship. It doesn’t mean that men don’t care as much as women do, but here’s the thing; Women are afraid to receive. They fear rejection and disappointment and they often think less of themselves. They believe that they’re worthless for their men’s help. So, they go on trying to give as much as they can without setting boundaries for their giving. As a result, men don’t feel needed anymore. What women don’t realize is that men need to feel needed, and as women fear to receive, men fear to give. Men value power and strength, they aim to be competent and efficient. So, when it comes to someone they care about a great deal, ironically, they tend to give less; they fear failure.

A woman needs to express her needs in a way that isn’t so desperate, but that implies that she trusts her man to fulfill her needs. A compliment can impressively boost her man’s confidence. And when he fails or make a mistake, a woman shouldn’t blame him, but rather appreciate the effort he had put in and forgive him. On the other hand, a man should view his mistakes as a way to know his woman better and learn to fulfill her needs better.

4- Men are like a rubber band and women are like waves:

Men and women have different intimacy cycles. The man is like a rubber band. A man gets close until he fulfills his intimacy needs and then he pulls away until he fulfills his dependence and autonomy needs. Right then, after stretching as far, he comes springing back like a rubber band. He picks up the relationship right from where he left it before he pulled away, and again he’s fully available to give to his relationship.

The woman’s intimacy cycle, on the other hand, is more like waves. One moment she’s feeling good and all loving and caring and the next moment, she’s crashing down; she’s vulnerable and insecure. A woman needs to feel upset, it’s like an emotional cleansing. It’s irrational to expect her to feel good all the time. However, once she hits the bottom, she rises up again and is feeling good and loving. Her man needs to understand his woman's need to feel her negative emotions. He needs to show support and empathy and not get overwhelmed by her sudden neediness.

5- Different emotional needs:

There are twelve different emotional needs, and men and women, each has six primary love needs that are equally important to them. While a man needs: trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement; a woman on the other hand needs: care, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.

Because of the difference between men and women, many couples end up feeling unfulfilled in their relationship. The man is giving to his woman what he would have needed and the woman is doing the same. A woman might give her man too much care, being it her primary emotional need, that he’ll perceive the message that she doesn’t trust him to take care of himself.

6- They argue differently:

It’s not about what we’re arguing about, it’s about the way we argue. In a relationship, we’re bound to disagree. However, a little disagreement often escalates into an argument and then into a battle, not because of the importance of the issue, but because of the unloving way couples argue.

A man, when being challenged, instinctively tries to defend his point of view. And his tone of arguing becomes increasingly uncaring. This upsets the woman; whereas, her man keeps thinking that she’s upset about the issue and continues his arguing. The woman, on the other hand, can as hurtful. When being challenged, the woman’s tone of arguing grows untrusting and rejecting, which can be quite hurtful for her man.

To avoid arguments, you need to remember that often times, we’re not arguing about the issue but about the way we discuss the issue. Take a time out to cool down. Reflect on the way you’re approaching your partner and acknowledge his needs. Then go back and talk about the issue in a loving tone.

7- The difference in keeping score:

A man believes that by doing something big for his woman, like buying her a car or taking her on a vacation, he’s then scoring higher points than doing the little things, like buying her a flower or helping her around the house, does. However, women keep score differently. For a woman, no matter the size of the deed or gift, the score is always one point for each thing her man does for her.

So, when a man becomes more successful, he devotes more of his time in his career and less of it for his woman. The woman is now taking on more responsibilities to take care of the household chores. She’s frustrated and resentful because, from her point of view, she’s doing more than her man. Her man, however, thinks that the score is even now that his pay is higher. He’s happy with the new situation except for one thing, his woman is unhappy, so he blames her for needing too much which leaves her even more resentful.

By understanding the difference in keeping score. A woman can understand better why her man is doing what he does. She can, therefore, start requesting from him to do the things she needs without being resentful. And the man can understand how important it is for his woman to do the little things. By doing those little efforts, he can sense the difference in their relationship and how fulfilled and happy his woman becomes.

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As a man is like a rubber band, a woman is like waves. She has a natural cycle that is different from the man, that’s why it’s difficult for men to understand her different needs and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Below are some facts as well as some tips that will help you understand your woman better:

- A woman is like a wave, her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. One moment she’s feeling good and all loving and caring and the next moment, she’s crashing down, both of the statutes is temporary and it is irrational to expect a woman to stay loving and caring all the time. After reaching her peak, she crushes down and she’s filled with an emptiness inside and a need for love. During this down time, she especially needs to talk about her problems and needs to be heard and understood.

- When at her down time, a woman might suddenly experience negative feelings, like being unsupported, misunderstood. But soon after reaching the bottom, she automatically feels better, rises again and is willing to give for her relationship again.

- A woman’s ability to receive and give love in her relationship, largely, depends on how she feels about herself when she feels good about herself, she’s most willing to give love but at her down time, she tends to feel insecure and vulnerable. That’s when she needs her man’s support most, in order to make her feel better about herself, and remind her how much she means to him. This might be confusing to the man who, one minute he sees his woman glowing with confidence, and the next minute, she’s so vulnerable and insecure. But it’s irrational to expect a woman to stay loving and caring all the time. Women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.

- A man often, feels responsible for his woman’s mood, when she feels good, he takes credits and when she feels bad, he’s confused and frustrated, he doesn’t know what to do to make her feel better.

To make things worse, he tries to fix it. He’s telling her not to be upset and she feels misunderstood and even more upset. She was crying for unconditional love and support, she didn’t need a solution, she just needed someone to listen to her and show her empathy.

However, a man who had been supporting to his woman at her down time might feel confused as he sees his woman feeling even worse. This is a good sign indeed for a woman needs to hit the bottom before rising again, that’s her cycle, and her man’s support might help her hit the bottom faster.

- At her down time, a woman seems to have a lot of trouble, she’s complaining and whining, then when she rises again and is feeling better, she’s all positive and full of life again. To a man, it seems as if all her problems had subsided, that’s why he feels confused when she feels low again and start complaining about the same problems. It becomes irritating to him to go over the same matters round and round. These issues are heavily charged from her past, whatever remained unresolved will eventually surface again when she’s feeling low. Through feeling supported, a woman is able to journey in and out of her down time without conflicts and that’s the blessing of a loving relationship. She’ll appreciate her man’s support and eventually, her future down times won’t be as extreme.

Men, here’s what you need to understand:

- It’s natural for a man to give advice and try to find a solution when someone tells him about his troubles, that’s what a man would need if he was the one who’s speaking. Men pride themselves for their accomplishments when faced with a problem they try to find a solution by themselves, and when they feel the need for an expert advice, they go to someone they trust and confide in him. However, you need to understand that we, as women and men are different and it’s irrational to expect your woman to think the way you do and need what you need.

- When a woman confides in you and tells you about her troubles, she isn’t asking for a solution, she’s crying out for empathy, she needs someone to listen and make her feel understood. That seems quite simple to do, just listen, nod in agreement and show some empathy, however, men find it most hard and fail in doing it. They feel confused and frustrated when they try to help and their advice’s been rejected, they feel being useless and they lose their focus, they can’t see the point from a woman’s talking.

- A woman talks to relief herself, she understands better when she processes the matters out loud, she thinks out loud. That’s different from the purpose of talking to a man, but that’s how things are and it’s irrational to expect otherwise.

- A woman is like a wave, when she feels good about herself, she’s loving and caring, and when she can’t feel good about herself, she’s vulnerable and insecure and that’s when she needs your support most, she just needs you to listen to her and show her empathy, remind her how important she is to you…

- When you support your woman and still she isn’t feeling any better, or worse, she feels even more upset, don’t get confused, a woman only needs to hit the bottom before she can rise, like a wave, she can’t rise without hitting the bottom.

- You also can’t predict how long will she stay feeling upset, sometimes it takes longer than the other times, but eventually she’ll rise again.

- Understand her neediness for attention when at her down time, reassure her of your love and support. Be patient if you had to do it constantly as her mood goes up and down again, don’t view it as an insult or a mistrust and especially don’t judge her constant need for support. The recurrence of her insecurity and neediness is inevitable, but is also temporary.
When the woman suppresses her feelings:

When a woman feels unsafe to go through her cycle, she tends to supressing her emotions and negative feelings. She pretends that everything is fine. As an alternative, she avoids sex and intimacy and numbs her feelings through addictions like drinking, overworking, over caretaking, overeating…

You might even have heard of some couples who never fight and suddenly get a divorce. In many of those cases, the woman had suppressed her negative feelings in order to avoid getting into fights and as a result, she became passionless and unable to feel her love.

When suppressing negative feelings, positive feelings becomes suppressed as well and while avoiding arguments is healthy for a relationship, it shouldn’t be by suppressing negative feelings.

Even a strong woman is exposed to the wave motion of her feelings. Some men, mistakenly think that if the woman is successful in her work, she’s less likely to experience this cycle. The opposite is true when a woman in the work world is exposed to more stress and emotional pollution, therefore, her need for emotional cleansing becomes great. When she comes back home after a stressful day at work, she needs to find warmth and support. However, repressing her negative emotions while it doesn’t affect her competence at work, it does affect her relationships and her communications with people she loves.

How money can create problems:

Rich or poor, a woman goes through a natural cycle of alternatively feeling good and then feeling vulnerable and insecure. Her problems and issues arise when she’s feeling low and disappears as soon as she feels good again, that doesn’t mean, however, that the problems are solved.

Often, men think that money is the solution to every problem. When being poor, a man can empathize with his woman’s complaining and validate her negative feelings and she felt cared about. From his perspective, his woman has a good reason to be unhappy, they didn’t have enough money. He believes that as soon as they can get more money, things will get better.

Then, after some years of hard working and earning enough money, the man is confused when his woman keeps complaining. He can’t empathize with her anymore and is telling her that she shouldn’t be upset. He thinks that she should be happy all the time.

He didn’t realize that money can’t prevent his woman from going through her natural cycle, it can’t prevent her from feeling upset. If anything, the richer they get, the harder it is for the man to validate his woman’s negative feelings thus they fought more. He thinks that they were happier when they were poorer.

Regardless of being wealthy or not, a woman needs to feel upset and let her wave to crash.

To sum up:

- A man’s love and support can’t instantly resolve his woman’s issues. However, it can help her reach her well faster so she can rise up again. He can expect her issues to surface again and again, but each time he can get better at supporting her.

- A woman going into her well isn’t her man’s fault, nor it is his failure. She isn’t broken and he doesn’t have to fix her. It’s her natural cycle. As we can’t live in one unchangeable weather, it is vital for a woman to go through her ups and downs.

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Disagreements are inevitable in our relationships but are also healthy until they turn into arguments. Suddenly we stop talking in a loving matter and start hurting each other, we blame, accuse, complain, demand…

These arguments can so destructive for the closer two persons are, especially if they were involved sexually, the easier it is to hurt or to be hurt. They’re taking things too personally.

Never argue, instead, cool down then discuss the pros and cons of the issue. Negotiate and be openly accept your different point of view. Most disagreements can be easily resolved with mutual understanding and loving and respectful Communication.

Arguing doesn’t mean suppressing negative feelings. It is still possible to express your negative feelings without arguing. If anything, suppressing negative feelings, while on the short-term can prevent arguments, on the long-term it leads to growing resentment and eventually love dies. If arguing is a war, suppressing negative feelings is a cold war.

It’s not what we argue about, it’s how we argue:

An argument doesn’t have to be hurtful. We are different and we’re bound to have different points of view from our partner every now and then. Disagreements are inevitable but can be discussed in a loving manner. People start arguing about one thing and within five minutes, they start arguing about the way they are arguing.

Because of the way they’re being approached, they automatically reject listening to their partner's point of view and start defending themselves. They're hurting each other in the process.

It is quite common for a man, when being challenged, to focus on being right and defending himself. He then forgets to be loving as well and his caring tone decreases. Because of his uncaring tone, his woman starts feeling upset. The man mistakenly assumes that she’s upset about the disagreement, he tells her not to be upset and tries to give her all the logical reasons why this issue shouldn’t upset her. He’s focused on the content of what he’s saying, while the woman is upset about the way he’s delivering his speech. She becomes resistant and unreceptive to what he’s saying. He’s defending his point of view, while she’s defending herself from his tone of arguing.

Similarly, a woman might unknowingly hurt her man’s feelings while arguing. When a woman is challenged, her tone becomes increasingly mistrusting and rejecting. This can hurt a man a great deal especially if he is emotionally involved. And without acceptance and trust, a man responds negatively and try to defend himself, he takes it too personally.

Arguments Strategies:

There are mainly four positions individuals take to avoid arguments, two that concerns men and the other two concerns women. These tactics, while effective on the short-term, they’re counterproductive on the long-term. 

Men arguing tactics:

1- Fight:

When challenged, some individuals tend to get offensive. They believe that to defend yourself, you need to get offensive. They start blaming, criticizing, judging… in order to intimidate the other person into loving and supporting them. They tend to yell and express their anger to make the other person look wrong. And when the latter backs down, they think they’d won, while in fact, they’d lost.

To use strength to get what you want from someone else is, in fact, a sign of weakness. It not only hurts the other person, but it also hurts the relationship. It weaknesses trust in the relationship and the couple find it increasingly difficult to be open and vulnerable. Women close up to protect themselves and men shut down and stop caring as much.

2- Flight:

If fighting is a war, flighting is a cold war. Some men choose to retreat and pull away when they have a disagreement with their partner. This is not like taking a time out to cool down. They, in fact, choose to not talk and nothing gets resolved. On the short-term, this brings in peace and harmony, but on the long-term it builds resentment. Both partners start to lose their passion and drew apart.

To get what they want from their partner, they choose to withhold their love. While fighting is directly hurting, depriving their partner of the love she needs is indirectly hurting her and sure enough, she too won’t be able to give as much.

Women’s arguing tactics:

1- Fake:

Women might pretend that everything is fine to avoid conflicts. Surely, on the short-term, the couple are arguing less, but on the long run, the woman is blocking her natural need to express her negative feelings. She’s sacrificing and denying her feelings, desires and needs to avoid possible conflicts. But she’s also growing resentful and unhappy.

A man might use the words “Fine, It’s alright, It’s okay” but that would be a different meaning. What he’s meaning is It’s fine because: “I can handle this. I know what to do. I’m dealing with it and I can figure this out alone”. But when a woman uses these terms, then that’s a sign that she’s avoiding an argument and repressing her negative feelings.

2- Fold:

With this strategy, the person gives in whenever an argument arises. She takes the blame and assumes the responsibility of whatever is upsetting his partner. What looks like a supportive and loving relationship from the outside is actually a denial and self-rejection from the inside. This person is trying to sense his partner’s desires and then mold herself in order to please. She loses herself in the process and for that, she’s increasingly growing resentful.

Because she’s rejecting herself, she wants to be loved by all and thus avoids rejection at all costs.

Behind each one of these strategies the man or the woman is trying to protect himself/herself from being hurt, unfortunately, things don't work that way. What works is the following:

How to avoid arguing:

While it takes two to argue, it only takes one to stop the argument. Here are some practical tips to help you avoid arguments when disagreeing:

- First and foremost, you need to remember that most of the time, we’re not arguing about an issue, but about the way, we’re discussing it.

- Take a responsibility to recognize when a disagreement is turning to an argument. Right then stop the argument and take a time-out to cool down.

- Reflect on the way you’re approaching your partner and acknowledge his needs.

- After cooling down, go back and talk about the issue in a loving and respectful tone.

Why men argue:

A man can best handle arguments when he feels loved. However, when he’s deprived of the love he needs, he becomes defensive. On the surface, he might look like discussing the issue at hand, but the real reason for the argument is because he doesn’t feel loved.

To feel disapproved of is equally painful for a man, especially when it comes out from his favorite woman. Women often don’t express her feelings directly, instead of telling her man how his being late worried her, she asks a rhetorical question like "How could you be so late?" Instead of hearing her feelings, the man is hearing her disapproval.

Giving the love and approval a man needs when discussing an issue is the way to lead an effective conversation and avoid arguments.

Why women argue:

A common pattern for many arguments goes like the following:

1- The woman expresses her negative feelings about an issue

2- The man explains to her why she shouldn’t feel upset about that issue

3- The woman becomes more upset about her feelings being invalidated than about the issue.

4- The man becomes upset as well and blames his woman for upsetting him.

5- The woman apologizes and wonders what happened. Or she becomes more upset and the argument escalates.

While listening to your woman, try to understand why she’s upset and console her instead of telling her why she shouldn’t be upset.

When a woman talks she’s relieving herself and eventually she starts to feel better and her problems seem to be solved just by talking. She doesn’t need solutions or advice, she just needs a chance to express herself.

To sum up:

1. The man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view.

2. Or the woman disapproves of the way the man is talking to her.

Bonus: Apologizing:

Apologizing can be difficult for men, because, for them, it means that you’ve done something wrong and you’re apologizing. However, for women, to say “I’m sorry” means “I care about you”. They’re not apologizing for doing something wrong, but they choose peace and express their caring feelings by apologizing. Therefore, a man learning to say “I’m sorry” is the easiest way to derail an argument. For example, when your woman is upset and expressing her negative feelings about something, try to understand why she’s feeling upset and say: “I’m sorry because you feel that way about that issue.”

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