Although we learn a lot about relationships when we're into one, we learn more when we're out of it. After grieving, we start to see things clearly without complications; without all the feelings that gets into the way of mind that prevents it from thinking straight. We start to see the big picture thus, we learn from our mistakes better. Below are some lessons you only learn after a breakup:

1- Some people are incorrigible, don't waste your time raising hopes that one day maybe they'll change, once an asshole, always an asshole.

2- Sometimes when it comes to relationships, we think that we're the exception to the rules that's why we, stubbornly, refuse to listen to others who had been in our place. While every relationship is unique, sometimes to listen to the advice, especially when it comes from experts is important, not only to listen but to consider it too, and I'm not talking here about others intervening in your relationship and telling you what to do, but I'm talking about others' experiences that are like yours.

3- Although you know that things won't be the way you're imagining it. There's no perfect relationship. While a relationship might bring you some feeling of fulfillment, it might also bring you stress and misery at times. At the end, it's whether it's worth the try or you stay single! When we love we seem not able to think straight. They say love isn't blind, it's full of seeing and acceptance, you see all your partner's flaws, and you accept them all, unconditionally. No one is flawless, we obviously all agree on that, but sometimes, some things show up throughout the relationship as signs to tell you that you aren't meant for each other, thus it's useless to try to force things and that's where blindness lies.

4- When I went through a quiz to see what I want from a partner, I came out with attention and quality time. I thought how obvious it was to want such things, it's almost a granted right, except many relationships are too dry from attention and care that we stopped considering it as an obvious essential in a relationship and started wishing for it. Nothing can kill a relationship faster than not giving attention and care!

5- Sometimes it's not about the problem, it's about hearing us, we need someone to listen, we need to be able to share our problems and concerns, but we don't need someone to give us solutions or tell us what to do. Why be in that relationship if your partner doesn't want to listen! It was never about the way you think or talk, it's about your partner who doesn't want to listen, let alone understand, and then even when he apologize, it's hard to forgive him without screaming at him that he didn't understand you at all. He might not understand but then could any man? Yet at least he still can listen, now can't he?

6- Being single, even if you felt happy the way you are and like you don't need or want any man in your life, that doesn't mean that when you'll see some happy couples, you won't feel a slight hint of jealousy for not having anyone in your life to be happy with, and it's okay. Every situation has its pluses and minus, no situation is better than the other, you just have to enjoy every moment you have.

7- After you break up and you're over that relationship, thus you're no more angry or hurt, you'll feel lonely sometimes, mostly at night when you're not exhausted enough to sleep fast and not give a chance to those thoughts of him to haunt you, you'll miss him. You'll miss your relationship because no matter how many fights and arguments you had, there was certainly some good moments. You'll remember those moments and you'll remember how good it felt. It's okay to feel so, but it doesn't mean that you should go back or question your breakup decision. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel, but watch out your actions. Not just because you can, that you should. Eventually, someone else will take his place and you'll together make other memories and moments, and you'll forget, that's why we have the ability to forget. Most of all, you'll be able to love again, harder even. As long as your heart is beating, you'll be able to love and forget and love again, until there's no more heartbeats there!

8- Sometimes when we see all those breakups and divorces, we stop believing in a lasting love, in a lasting relationship anymore and I myself get discouraged about getting involved in a relationship, I mean why to get into it when you're going to break up eventually. We seem to see the negative and forget that the positive and the good is more than the negative, look around you'll see for sure so many old couples that will make you believe again in a lifetime and a till-death-do-us-apart love! Someone else's failure shouldn't demotivate you from doing it because you're forgetting that if only once person failed, a lot of people did it and succeeded. When a marriage fails, remember that they're are too many happily married for decades.

9- Life might sound good at day, but at night, you feel awfully lonely without the companionship of a partner, it's nothing about sex, it's just about having someone to share your life with, someone who'll listen to you and hold you in his embrace when life is taught, when you feel like not holding on anymore, even the mere thought that you have someone in your life with whom you're deeply in love can do. Distance doesn't matter, sometimes it doesn't matter if you were in his embrace or world apart, love knows no distance.

10- If someone couldn't accept you or love you from the very beginning, then nothing will make them do. Don't fool yourself, what you do has nothing to do with love and acceptance. Not because you're going to act in some kind of way that they're going finally to love you. Don't fool yourself and let it go, accept that they won't change, they won't love you and they won't certainly accept you not now not ever, that's not likely to happen. You deserve unconditional love and acceptance, don't settle for less. 

11- A relationship can't work unless you accept yourself fully. It took me a failed relationship to learn this. I wasn't accepting myself, and I didn't know back then what doesn't mean to accept yourself nor how to do it. When I loved and found someone who cared about me, I was constantly asking for self-esteem and confidence from my partner, it feels good to know that someone cares for you and see you as a great person. Thus, all I wanted to hear is how much he loved me and so, and anything else didn't matter, I become very jealous, very vulnerable, trying hard to impress him... Only when I broke up and become single again that hard to find happiness and to be somebody of a worth, at first to prove him wrong about me being unworthy, leading an empty life, but in the process, I started doing the things I love, I started making new friends, traveling and working hard on my dreams, and right then I found myself and my happiness, not just that, but also I found some answers for why things didn't work out for my last relationship, it was me, I went into a relationship looking for someone to accept me because I couldn't accept myself.

12- The end of the relationship might seem as a reason to mourn, while it’s merely a part of the life cycle, “no life, life, no life” it’s not the end, it’s the beginning of a new relationship, that’s how you should view it, if you’ll get trap in the depression of the breakup, then you’re not allowing these feelings to be a part of life, and you’re then forgetting that endings becomes beginnings.

To refuse to love for the fear of getting hurt is like refusing to live for the fear of death. You got to accept that there is relationships and there is breakups, why to go through a relationship in the first place when we're going to break up! that's not the question. The question is what I got there to learn!

A lot of people don’t realize the importance of reading about relationships because maybe they think that they had enough experience to decide what’s best for them and that they don’t need advice. But reading relationships books isn’t just about taking an advice, it’s not about telling what to do and what not, these books actually, are meant for you to understand a lost of things not only about the relationship but also about yourself and your partner. Below are some facts I’ve learned from relationships books such as “Getting the love you want” by “Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.”:

1- We seem to be highly selective in our choice of mates. In fact, we appear to be searching for a “one and only” with a very specific set of positive and negative traits. The ultimate reason you fell in love with your mate is not that he was young and beautiful, had an impressive job, had a “point value” equal to yours or had a kind disposition. You fell in love because your subconscious had your partner confused with your parents, your subconscious believed that it had finally found the ideal candidate to make up for the psychological and emotional damage you experienced in childhood, even if it was a slight damage such as feeling abandoned sometimes with having working parents or because of being in a big family with a lot of brothers and sisters to take care of.

2- People in relationships are either “fusers” or “isolaters” depending on how they grow up, for example when a child wanders out of the room, her insecure mother might call out “Don’t go into the next room, you might get hurt!” The child dutifully comes back to his mother’s lap. But deep inside he’s afraid that, if he always comes running back to his mother, he will be engulfed, he will be trapped in a symbiotic union forever. Without the child’s knowing it, this fear of engulfment becomes a key part of his character, and later he becomes an isolater, a person who unconsciously pushes others away. He keeps people at a distance because he needs “a lot of space” around him. He wants the freedom to come and go as he please. When he marries, his need to be a distinct “self” will be on the top of his hidden agenda.

Now some children grow up with the kind of parents, ones who push them away when they come running to them for comfort: “Go away, I’m busy”, “Go play with your toys”, “Stop clinging to me!” These children grow up feeling emotionally abandoned. They become later fusers, people who seem to have an insatiable need for closeness. They want to “do things together” all the time. They crave physical affection and reassurance, and they often need to stay in constant verbal contact.

3- To the lovers it seems as though romantic love is actually going to heal them and make them whole. Companionship alone is a soothing balm. Because they are spending so much time together, they no longer feel alone or isolated. And as their level of trust increases, they deepen their level of intimacy. But romantic love brings more than kind words and empathic moments to heal their wounds. With sixth sense that is often lamentably lacking in later stages of a relationship, lovers seem to divine exactly what their partner are lacking. If the partner needs more security, they become protective and reassuring. If the partner needs more freedom, they grant him or her independence. This degree of make-believe is quite common; most of us go to a lot of trouble in the early stages of a relationship to appear to be ideal mates, which we are not. In some cases, however, the deception is more extreme. We put in much effort that we don’t continue with in later stages of the relationship. And the memory of the role a partner had obligingly played become more real than the truth of his actual behavior.

4- To some degree, we all use denial as a coping tool. Whenever life presents us with a difficult or painful situation, we have a tendency to want to ignore reality and create a more palatable fantasy. But there is no time in our lives when we our denial mechanism is fully engaged than in the early stages of our love relationship. All we have to do is exaggerate the similarities between us and our partners and diminish the differences. Romantic love does indeed thrive on ignorance and fantasy. As long as lovers maintain an idealized, incomplete view of each other, they live in a Garden of Eden. After this denial, the disappointment is so great that you don’t allow yourself to see the truth. You do your best to see your partner’s negative traits in a positive light. But eventually the denial can no longer be sustained, and you feel betrayed. Either your partner has changed drastically since the days when you were first in love, or you have been deceived all along about his or her true nature. You are in pain, and the degree of your pain in the degree of the disparity between your earlier fantasy of your partner and your partner’s emerging reality.

5- Later in the relationship, all people know is that they feel confused, angry, anxious, depressed, and unloved. And it is only natural that they blame all this unhappiness on their partners. They haven’t changed, they’re the same people they used to be! It’s their partners who have changed. In despair, people begin to use negative tactics to force their partners to be more loving. They withhold their affection and become emotionally distant. They become irritable and critical. They attack and blame “Why don’t you…?” “Why do you always…?” They fling these verbal stones in a desperate attempt to get their partners to be warm and responsive. They believe that if they give their partners enough pain, the partners will return to their former living ways. What makes people believe that hurting their partners will make them behave more pleasantly? Why don’t people simply tell each other in plain English that they want more affection, or attention, or freedom, or whatever it is that they craving? It’s our old brain, when we were babies, we didn’t smile sweetly at our mothers to them to take care of us. We simply opened our mouths and screamed. And it didn’t take us long to learn that, the louder we screamed the quicker they came. Whereas this arrangement worked fairly well when we were babies, in adulthood our needs are a great deal more complex. Furthermore, our partners are not a devoted mother hovering over our crib. They are an equal, with needs and expectations of their own.

6- At the end of the relationship, people no longer have any hopes of finding happiness or love within the relationship, the pain has gone on too long. At this point, approximately half the couples withdraw the last vestiges of hope and end the relationship. Most of those who stay together create what is called a “parallel” relationship and try to fit their happiness outside the partnership. A very few, perhaps as few as five percent of all couples, find a way to resolve the power struggle and go on to create a deeply satisfying relationship.

Below are a set of tips to help your relationship:

1- Create a more accurate image of your partner, see your partner not as a savior but as another wounded human being, struggling to be healed.

2- Take your responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner. Accept the fact that, in order to understand each other, you have to develop clear channels of communication.

3- Be more intentional in your interactions. Don’t react without thinking and train yourself to behave in a more constructive manner.

4- Learn to value your partner’s needs and wishes as highly as you value your own. Stop assuming that your partner’s role in life is to take care of your needs magically and divert more and more of your energy to meeting your partner’s needs.

5- Embrace the dark side of your personality. Openly, acknowledge the fact that you, like everyone else, have negative traits. As you accept responsibility for this dark side of your nature, you lessen your tendency to project your negative traits onto your mate, which creates a less hostile environment.

6- Search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking. Being with your partner can give you an illusory sense of wholeness, but the only way you can truly recapture a sense of oneness is to develop the hidden traits within yourself.

7- Be more aware of your drive to be loving and whole and united with the universe. You have to ability to love unconditionally and to experience unity with the world around you. Social conditioning and imperfect parenting made you lose touch with these qualities. So allow yourself rediscover your original nature.

8- Accept the difficulty of creating a lasting love relationship. Instead of believing that the way to have a good relationship is to pick up the right partner, be that right partner. You gain then, a more realistic view, you realize that a good relationship requires commitment, discipline and the courage to grow and change. Creating a fulfilling love relationship is hard work.

This letter is a closure to me, something to leave a good memory of you. Because after the breakup, I was angry and hurt, then, after spending some time alone, grieving and getting over you, I’m not angry anymore and only the sweet memories we share remained. I forgot about all the bad because it was partly my fault, and whatever happened, I know you meant good, you always did. 

I know it was partly my fault, I wasn't accepting myself when I was with you, thinking that you'll give me that acceptance. I was looking for it in the wrong place. I ended up then asking constantly for attention, like way too much, just to feel that I'm worthy. all I wanted to hear was how much you loved me and missed me and I didn't care about anything else, your own needs, the life around us! 

I don't want to remember how dull my life was before you came into it. You changed me and made me want to change my life for the best. You’ve been always a great example for me to follow with your endless kindness and gentleness, not only with me but with everyone else. You taught me how to help people, respect them and be kind to them no matter what. 

You not only loved me but also taught me how to love truly and unconditionally. 
You were quite patient with me, forgiving me each time I hurt you. You showed me how a girl should be treated with your endless respect and acceptance. You saw me beautiful when I didn’t see myself that way, you saw in me a wonderful person I never knew I could be. 

By moving on, you didn’t merely leave me but you took my dreams and fantasies with you too. You took the house we were going to live together in, you took the moments we were yet to live. It was like coming home and finding out that a bomb not only wiped the one you love but destroyed your cherished possessions, too.

Even though we’re no more together, at night, when I can't sleep, I miss you. I feel most lonely and I feel like I'm missing a part of me, the part that used to make me feel complete, happy and safe. I feel half of a person now without you in my life. That embrace of yours used to take away all the pain and stressing of my life, it felt like home, a home I never knew I had. Now each time I see your picture, I feel like I know exactly what would it feel like if I kissed you or hugged you. It all feels familiar to me, a good familiar, a familiar you can't get enough of no matter how many lives I'll spend in your embrace. I'm only wishing someone can take your place and make me forget all those wrong-yet-it-feels-good feelings I feel when I think of you.

But then let's be more realistic, here’s something I have learned from reading self-help books

“When you break up with someone you loved and you keep fantasizing about that person, you’ll start to remember only the good memories and imagine how good your life would be were you still together now and married. You won’t be thinking of living through everyday annoyances such as the furnace breaking down or a quarrel over money or a dispute about the children, because these things never had the chance to develop. If there ever was anything about him or her that bothered you, you had long since modified your memory of it. And then you seem like you can’t have anyone who measures up to the one you lost. But how could someone measure up to that standard? No one can be as perfect as much polished, idealized memory. You can be married and dissatisfied with your mate because you keep comparing him or her with “the one who got away”, who of course, not only remembered as wonderful, but whose memory has been significantly improved.”

It’s helpful to read some self-help books, but it’s even more helpful to remind yourself of all the things you’ve learned from those books. Below are some lessons I’ve learned from some great self-help books I had the chance to read:

31 Priceless Lessons Self-Help Books Taught Me (Part I)

1- “What you resist persist… and when you quit resisting what you’re feeling, it can dissolve.” Denise Linn

2- “You hear what you need to hear at any given time in your life, you create what you need when you need it. You can’t hear the truth until you’re truly ready to listen.” Denise Linn

3- Enjoy the mystery, let the world unfold without always attempting to figure it all out. Don’t try to make something work, simply allow. Recognize that some of your desires are about how you think your world should be, rather than how it is in that moment. Take time to open your mind to the fascinating mystery and uncertainty that we all experience.

4- We see beauty as beauty only because there’s ugliness, and we feel happiness only because there’s sadness.

5- Rather than seeking more objects of desire, practice gratitude, it will lead you to the contented life. Replace personal desire by the question: How may I serve. By simply changing these kind of thoughts, you will begin to see major changes taking place in your life.

6- Remind yourself daily that there is no way to happiness; rather, happiness is the way. Bring happiness to every encounter in life, instead of expecting external events to produce joy.

7- “Remove the word ‘special’ from your vocabulary when you refer to yourself or to others. If anyone is special, then we all are. And if we’re all exceptional, then we don’t need a word like that to define us” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

8- “Being creative means trusting your inner calling, ignoring criticism or judgment and releasing resistance to your natural talents.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

9- Serve the needs of others, and all your own needs will be fulfilled. Through selfless action, fulfillment is attained.

10- The main problem with trying to fulfill your desires is that you’re always caught in the trap of striving and never arriving. Thus, you can never feel complete. Sooth your demanding habits by refusing to continue running after more.

11- To keep on filling is not as good as stopping. Make this commitment even though you live in a world addicted to the idea that one can never have enough of anything. Eat, but stop when you’re full. To continue stuffing food into a satisfied body is to be trapped in believing that more of something is the cause of your happiness.

12- “All that is yours will leave and become someone else’s. So step back and allow yourself to be an observer of this world of form. Becoming a detached witness will put you into a state of bliss, while loosening your tight grip on all your possessions.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

13- “’the chase’, this quest for adoration, money, and the power is a waste of energy because there’s never enough. You can’t arrive at a place of peace and inner satisfaction when your entire existence is motivated by not having enough. In fact, this relentless chase is a formula for craziness.

14- “It’s crucial to remain independent of both the positive and negative opinions of other people. Regardless of whether they love us or despise us, if we make their assessments more important than our own, we’ll be greatly afflicted.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

15- “No ego means no trouble, big ego equals big trouble.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

16- “Replace the pursuit of external favor with the awareness that what others think of you is really none of your business.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

17- “Slow down your frantic pace and practice hollow like the cave and open to all possibilities like the uncarved wood.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

18- Amidst the rush of worldly comings and goings, observe how endings become beginnings. The reality is that beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. So when you know that there’s a constant beyond the present moment’s disappointment, you can sense that “this too shall pass”, it always has and always will. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change!

19- "Guilt is a way of saying, 'I really didn't do it. It really isn't my fault' Acknowledge all your actions without judgment. If you've hurt someone, make it right; if you've acted inappropriately, alter your behavior. But don't dishonor the situation, the other person, or yourself by feeling guilty." Denise Linn

20- Don’t act virtuous, be virtue. Be spontaneously generous to others because your inner calling demands it, not because others in their code-making have determined that this is how you should behave.

21- “Instead of believing that you know what’s best for others, trust that they know what’s best for themselves. Allow other people to share their thoughts about the path they see for themselves. Let your position be known, but also convey that you trust them to make the right choice.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

22- “Live without attachment by being generous. Let go of your need to get a “good deal” and choose instead to be a being of sharing. You’ll be happily surprised by how nice it feels to simply change your belief that you’re only successful if you’re making money.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

23- “Practice letting go of thoughts about what’s not here now. You don’t need another thing to be happy, it’s all being provided for you right here, right now. Be in this moment, and free yourself of striving for something more or someone else.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

24- “Let go of having to win an argument such as “you’re very likely correct. Thanks for giving me a new perspective.” This kind of a proclamation gives everyone permission to relax their rigidity because you have no need to prove yourself or make others wrong.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

25- Give up needing to control everything. Take a split second to stop yourself in your mode of judgment or frustration and remind yourself to step back and be a witness rather than a protagonist.

26- “Eliminate verbal and/or physical force in all situation. Examine the relationships in which you experience conflict. Make a concerted decision to use less harsh language and to completely veer away from becoming physical in the resolution of any altercation.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

27- Focus on understanding yourself instead of blaming others. Whenever you’re anxious, in pain, or even mildly upset over the conduct of others, take the focus off those you’re holding responsible for your inner distress. Don’t blame others for your feelings, don’t blame yourself either. Tell yourself that no one has the power to make you uneasy without your consent, and that you’re willing to freely experience your emotions without calling them ‘wrong’ or needing to chase them away. Take responsibility for how you choose to response to anything or anyone.

28- “Discover a new definition of greatness. Offer yourself a definition that doesn’t use any standards of appearance or traditional external measures of success. Notice those who give much, boast little, nurture others, and decline recognition or credit, and put them in your greatness file. Encourage yourself to practice these same kinds of behaviors.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

29- Abandon outmoded familial and cultural customs. Remind yourself that goodness isn’t accessed by obeying laws; rather it is what resonate with your essential nature.

30- “Examine your attachments with the idea that you gain by losing and lose by gaining. The more stuff you accumulate, the more you have to watch it, insure it, worry about it, protect it, polish it, distribute it, and identify with it. In other words, you lose harmony while seeking to gain. Practice giving your possessions away and loosening your need for who and what you have.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Guest post by 

I’d had serious relationships before meeting my fiance, with a couple lasting for years. I thought I was an adult; I thought I knew how to be a great girlfriend. Meeting someone I had a serious connection with taught me that nothing I had experienced before was real. True love feels different than casual relationships – even if those relationships lasted for years (often well past their expiration date!). When you’re in a good relationship, you learn things. You act differently; you think as part of a team, not as an individual making your way through the world. You’ll be more understanding and accepting of your partner, instead of just getting frustrated with them like you may have with past relationships.

1. Misunderstandings are inevitable.

Misunderstandings are going to happen. If you take your partner’s words one way, then learn they meant something totally different, don’t punish them. Let it go. Bringing it up all the time is only going to bruise the relationship and cause communication problems later. Sometimes what you say or do will be taken the wrong way, and you’ll get frustrated that your partner doesn’t understand. Take a step back and realize it’s not a big deal. Misunderstandings are made to be swept under the rug because they’re so minor. They only become problems if you let them grow bigger and mean more in the scope of your relationship. Be laid back and forgive misunderstandings.

2. Learn to trust them.
You have to trust your partner. Why would you share your life with someone when you think they’re doing something wrong every time you turn your back? If you don’t trust your partner to be faithful, honest, caring, or anything else, then you’re not in a good relationship. The best relationships begin with a deep trust, and even if problems come up (and they will!), the trust is strong enough to keep you together.

3. Let yourselves miss each other.

You’re in love, so you want to be together all the time! It’s so fun to cuddle all night and be together all day, but when will you have time to experience different things? When you go to separate workplaces or schools, you experience things that will give you something to talk about later. When you go out with your friends and your partner spends time with theirs, you have time and space to yourself and come back to each other refreshed. You have a chance to miss each other, and it helps you really understand the value of your relationship. Missing someone is great because getting to see them after that period will make you so happy and so sure of your relationship.

4. Encourage growth and change.

In a good relationship, both partners are encouraged to grow and change. You have one life to live – you should explore it to the fullest! If you want to quit your job and go back to school, your partner should support you. If you want to try something new or go back to something old, you should find support in your relationship. And you should give this support in return. Encourage your partner to explore hobbies and interests and meet new people. If you want your partner to stay the same, you’re going to have a very boring life together.

5. Compromising doesn’t mean you’re weak.

Compromising doesn’t mean “giving in.” It doesn’t mean that you’ve lost the fight. In fact, it’s the opposite. Do you know how hard it is to compromise sometimes? You want your way because it sounds right and makes sense to you. Your partner is way off base with their suggestions. Take a step back and look at the argument diplomatically. What’s the logical conclusion? If your partner is right, don’t be afraid to say so. Accept their way, or modify both of your solutions to be half and half. The important thing is not getting your way, it’s staying in your relationship and helping it grow. Compromising will definitely help your relationship grow.

6. Admit your weaknesses.

Your partner doesn’t expect you to be a superhero, and hopefully, you don’t expect that of them! We’re all human; we all have flaws. It’s ok to let these show. In fact, to have a stable, serious relationship, you need to let your weaknesses be known. Your partner will be more sensitive to things that bother you, and can help build you up in areas where you need some help.

7. Sometimes you can only accept things, not fix them.

People have baggage. You have some. Your partner has some. Can you go back and erase all of this? Nope! You’re stuck with it, and have to learn to deal with it. Some things are easier to get over than others, but the reality is that sometimes, you can’t fix things. You can’t make problems go away. You have to accept them and get over them and move on, or else your relationship will crumble.

8. Forgive quickly and truly.

Whenever you have a fight, don’t worry about who wins or who loses. Learn from the fight – from what was said as much as from how it was resolved. Once you learn from a fight, you can apply that lesson to your relationship to avoid trouble later. That’s all well and good, but you’re not done! Forgive your partner! Forgive yourself. The fight is over, you’re past it, now let it go. Never hold anything against your partner because the resentment will build until you don’t want to be with them.

9. Never expect anything.

Don’t expect your partner to read your mind, or to bring you breakfast in bed, or to offer to wash the dishes. It’s not going to happen. You can’t expect anything from anyone – you have to make it known. Communicate. Make sure your partner knows what you expect from the relationship, as well as your opinions on a wide variety of issues. This will help them act considerate towards you, but still – don’t expect anything!

10. Show your feelings.

The worst thing you can do in a relationship is play games. Don’t tease your partner; don’t “reward” good deeds with love and affection. You have to make sure your partner always feels loved. You can be happy with them or be mad at them – it doesn’t matter – they just need to feel loved. They need to know your feelings in the moment as well, don’t get me wrong. But make sure you’re showing your feelings in a way that they won’t be misunderstood (back to #1!).

My childhood wasn't easy, nor was my teenage years obviously, but then when I grow up and become more conscious of the world around and learned more about life and myself, I decided that it was high time I changed and became happy. I wanted a fresh start with a new college, new friends, new place... I was running from my past, I thought that since it was my source of misery, I should then distance myself as far as I can from it. 

It went fine until I came across an experience similar to another experience I had in the past, right then it seemed to me as if I failed in the change I wanted to make because I was acting in my same old ways. Like for example if I saw some of my friends from the past, I feel blocked and I would talk to them the way I used to do in the past, which I was putting in efforts to change it and it worked as long as my past wasn't concerned. I knew then that I can't keep running from my past anymore.

"Most of our present blockages can be traced back to a past life. Dealing with problems only in the present can be likened to mowing dandelions. You can cut them down, but they'll keep popping up again and again. It's only by digging down into the roots that you can prevent them from resurfacing." Denise Linn

What made me understand that my source of problems is nothing else but my past, was a book I had the chance to read, it's "Past lives, present miracles" for Denise Linn. It's a journey of healing, not just spiritually, but also physically eventually. Below are some of what I've learned through this journey of healing:

Understand, then take the decision!

My biggest source of complexes was my mom, I'm not ashamed to say so. When I was a child, I felt shameful to even think that I hated my mom, I mean everyone loves his mom, don't they. But I'm not ashamed of thinking so anymore, if my mom did me much harm and I couldn't get along with her, then it's okay, I'm not going to force things anymore, most of all, I'm not going to go after her for approval and I won't let it hurt me or upset me to be treated badly. I now understand that it's not about me, whatever she did wasn't because I somehow didn't deserve to be loved or because I did anything wrong, no! It was all about the person she was, and it's fine. I can't change her. Even expecting someone to change is a sort of trying to change people, but I still can change my response.

When my family sits for lunch or dinner, mom wouldn't get me a plate or a spoon. It used to hurt me of course and make my mind go wild thinking of all the reasons why she does that. I used to feel worthless, but then when I grow up, although I become less sensitive, this keeps upsetting me somehow and I feel bad about myself because I think that I failed to change
. Now regressing back to the first times I felt upset because of her act, I understand that it wasn't me being worthless or doing anything bad. It was about my mom, the person she is. Why she did and still doing this doesn't matter, I can't understand her, I can't change. I can't make her love me, let alone accept me. I don't really know about love, I mean every mother should be loving her children, but as for acceptance I never felt accepted by her. She did me wrong enough and i'm letting go of trying to have her approval.

When I was young, mom used to tell me that I was ugly especially when she takes pictures and we watch them later. I grow up thinking that I'm ugly, it was especially related to pictures. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror I wasn't seeing ugliness so I lived normal, but when taking pictures is concerned I would freak out and do everything to not appear in any picture. I ended up growing with no pictures for my teenage self except for those used for formal papers and school and it alone was a nightmare. When I grow up and decided to change, I started taking pictures of myself, and I thought that bit by bit I'll get used to it and I'll get over my phobia. Yet, when someone wants to take a picture of me with people I would often panic, sometimes I refuse to take it with them but often I force myself and I would come out nervous and it would show in the pictures. I was seeing it as a failure, me who had been working hard to change and get over my complexes, I lost so much weight, I went through a surgery to remove my glasses, tried a lot of product for my skin, cut and dyed my hair..., forgetting that the only thing I should be working on is the source of the problem; My past, my mother who made me believe that I look ugly in pictures. Now, as I went through my childhood pictures, I didn't see any ugliness, I only saw a beautiful, special little girl, full of joy and life. I don't know what made mom say I was ugly and I can't change her mind and make her believe that I'm beautiful the way I am. I can only let it go and change her words in my mind, now that I understand that it wasn't about me, probably she was too blind to see how special her daughter was, maybe her close mind pictures a single way for a little girl to be beautiful.

I wanted to feel accepted and who doesn't! Yet, I was denying myself in the process. Each time I feel like I want to be myself, something comes in my way and holds me back, which would be often my family, disapproving for my talk or deeds. So as I grow up I divided people into two groups, others who are normal and me who is not. I always felt like I'm out of place, different in every kind of way, I found their language hard somehow thus I couldn't express myself properly. Now that I'm grown up I wanted so bad to be myself, so I tried and worked so hard on that. As I came out to the public the same blocks had appeared, but now as I regressed back to my past I remembered that I wasn't originally from here, I spent the first years of my childhood in a different city. I then started accepting myself and seeing myself finally as a normal person, most of all I started being myself and talking with my own accent. Being different now doesn't feel odd to me anymore because I know I'm not alone, there are people like me out there, it's just me in a different place with different people and it's okay. I know that people instinctively refuse anything different, I don't have to be the way they want me to be, they won't be pleased anyhow, so I made the decision that when someone gets in my way and tries to deny who I am, I'll let it go and keep moving on whether they accepted me or not. Not being accepted, isn't a sign that I'm not a good of a person, it's a sign that I'm different and that's fine.

Some of us might hold themselves subconsciously from material abundance, I myself, since I was a child, used to feel bad about being rich. It's not that I was that wealthy, but I used to like poverty better. It's ironic because I know that a lot of people out there are suffering from poverty. When I was a child I couldn't wear any of my new clothes, not until they stayed in the closet for a couple of years before wearing them for the first time, it was weird, but even as I grow up, I still felt that discomfort whenever I'm about to wear something new, wishing somehow I wouldn't have to wear it and wear my old ones instead, but I couldn't allow myself anymore. I got to get over this. Yet, it wasn't just a matter of forcing yourself until I get use to it, I had to regress back to the past to understand why I'm doing that. I used to be sad when I was a child, so I attributed it to wealth. I used to consider it my source of my misery and each time I go through an experience where I'm exposed to wealth it blocks me and brings back past memories of me being sad. When I go to a fancy house, I feel suffocated. When I got to choose a new place to move in, I come across many houses and I thought that most of them were too fancy to live in, I chose the least fancy house among them. It's not like I can't afford a decent one, but I knew that I won't feel comfortable in a fancy house. I couldn't allow myself to have anything of a value. Right then, I thought that something is wrong and that it was high time I made peace with it, be okay with being rich and start feeling comfortable with rich people and with being in their houses. Now that I understand that my sadness back then had nothing to do with being wealthy or not, I decided to allow myself abundance.

One shouldn't underestimate the effect of a past incident on our present life. I was running away from my past because it hurts. Yet, I still feel the same hurt each time I experience something similar to a past experience, which means that I'm subconsciously a prisoner to that past, and the right way to heal from my pain, isn't to run away and start a new life, it's to make peace with my past before moving on to something else.

"Past-life regression is healing because it allows you to get to the source of your problems; until then, you're dealing with symptoms rather than causes." Denise Linn

Understand it, take the decision and change your present and that's all it takes.

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