Adulthood comes almost as a shock, it seems like you went from being a child to an adult over a night. You wanted freedom badly, you wanted to be on your own, and you even fantasized about it for a while, but then when it comes, you feel somehow abandoned. It feels as if you were forced to be out of your parents’ house. It’s true that you wanted your own place, but you didn’t think about being out of your parents’, the very one you spend your whole childhood calling it your home. Suddenly, it ceased to be yours. Maybe you thought that you still can go to you parent’s house every now and then, your room will always be there for you and at the same time you’ll have your own house as well. But then no! Once you’re out, you cease to belong to your old home now that you have a new home. Even your old room won’t feel yours anymore.

Then comes the “firsts”, the first time you have to fix something in your house, the first bill you have to pay… The small details becomes a life or a death matter; the doors and windows you have to make sure they’re close each time you go out, the grocery you’ll have to keep up with lets you end up with no dinner… And no matter how much chores you thought you were taking care of back at your parents’, it seems like you haven’t done half of what you have to do now. You learn, after all, that you can’t live alone. You can be alone in your house, but not in your life, you’ll eventually need friends and family. Even if you managed to do a lot of things on your own and you didn’t need to ask for help, the mere thought that you have someone by your side, someone you can always run to whenever it gets overwhelming, is a relief. Below are some small tips that will help you move on with your life:

1- Talk to as much people as you can:

When moving on your own, you might have had privacy and freedom as a priority on your list, but having friends isn’t necessarily going to invade your privacy. Most importantly we need to have friends, we live in a community because we need each other. And the best thing that will get you to adapt to your new life is having friends.

While one shouldn’t be too imposing when it comes to knowing new people, you’ll have to talk to as much people as you can, you’ll have to forget about your insecurities for a while and try to be nice and be on your best behave. Very few of those people will make good friends for you so don’t expect much when you make a conversation with someone, you may feel like you hit up and you may have a good feeling about your new acquaintance, while it turns out that the meeting is a first and last conversation you have with him. Most importantly, be yourself, don’t pretend to be someone else to get their attention, and without you knowing you’ll be surrounded by some good friends.

2- Go out:

It would be best with friends, but even alone, if it’s safe for you, you should go out whenever you can. Even when you can’t, you might consider making time for going out. Hanging around in a new place and going on sightseeing can cure stress that no medication can, especially if the place had much nature. Being a stranger can be a stressful matter on its own.

You also should consider the safety matter when being a stranger in a new town. It’s not just about being out at night, but some places can be deserted in mornings and active at nights when it’s safer to be out there.

3- Allow yourself to make mistakes:

Now that you have no one to blame, your decisions becomes heavier because you’ll be assuming the consequences of the choices you made all by yourself. You might grow nervous whenever you have to make a choice or take a decision, but then you have to allow yourself to make mistakes, it’s your best way to learn. You shouldn’t take responsibility too seriously. I’m not saying that we should be careless, but sometimes you just have to do your best, try to make the right choices each time, or what seemed to be right for you at that deciding moment. Because you see no matter how wrong the decision you made, it might turn out to bring a lot of good, so, do what you can do and forget about the rest! Be careless if you have to, worrying isn’t good for your health, it steals away your moment, your happiness. A moment spent worrying is a lost moment.

4- Get involved in some activities:

Going to a gym or even practicing in nature would be great not only for your body, but also, it will emotionally makes you feel way too better, and when being a stranger, you will need such activities most. Get involved in some charitable work, volunteer when you have the chance… that way you’ll meet more people and you’ll have enough distraction for you not to feel nostalgic and alone.

5- Change your habits:

Especially when in case you have moved on to another country, you’ll need to give the locals’ habits a try. If they eat dinner early and sleep early as well, do as they do. If they go out on picnics or any other outgoing, do it as well.

Through these new habits, you’ll be able to feel more connected to the place and to the people, you’ll start to feel like you belong. It doesn’t mean that you’ll leave your roots behind and change yourself. You are not your habits or your value, you’re much bigger than that, changing a habit doesn’t mean letting go of a part of yourself. One should be flexible enough if he ever wanted to live somewhere else. Eventually, one of the most important lessons you’ll learn when living somewhere else from your childhood place is flexibility and being open minded. Because you’ll see different people with different beliefs and habits and you’ll have to accept it all the same.

Growing up is a privilege, and moving on your own, as much challenging as it sounds, is a great experience that will get you to grow up the way you need to.

Relationship can be too complicated to understand at times, you wish you had more experience to understand things better so that hopefully it can get easier. But then what are books for if it wasn’t to give you this experience! It certainly can’t replace a real experience, but it can get you to understand not only relationships, but also yourself and your partner.

Below are some facts I learned from relationships books such as “Getting the love you want” for “Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.” 
“Divorce busting” for “Michele Weiner-Davis” and “Relationship rescue” for “Phillip C. McGraw. Ph.D.”:

1- It’s common that when your partner criticizes you, your subconscious mind, the perpetual guardian of your safety, instantly prompts you to fight or flee. It cares not that the person who criticized you is your partner; all it cares about is that you’re under attack. Unless you interfere with your subconscious mind response, you will immediately return your partner’s critical with a scathing rejoinder. Or on the other hand, you might attempt to flee the encounter altogether by leaving the room or burying your head in the newspaper. Depending on your approach your partner will feel either attacked or abandoned and will most likely lash out again. Instead acknowledge your partner’s anger, he might be upset about other things like work or something. Don’t rush into your own defense, speak with a rational voice and think of an alternative solution for whatever problem you’ve faced. In most interactions with your partner, you are actually safer when you lower your defenses than when you keep them engaged, because your partner becomes and ally not an enemy.

2- When we were infants, the world withheld and we were frustrated, the world gave and we were satisfied. Now that we are adults, we are slow to comprehend that, in order to be loved, we must first become lovers and it doesn’t mean sending flowers or writing love notes, although these activities might be a welcome part of a loving relationship. To become a lover, we must first abandon the self-defeating tactics and beliefs, such as criticizing and blaming, and replace them with more constructive ones.

3- We must change our ideas about love relationships, about our partners, and ultimately, about ourselves. Yet, standing in the way of the changes we need to make in order to have a more satisfying relationship is our fear of change. A fear of change is also basic to human nature. Anything that breaks us out of our comfortable or not-so-comfortable routines sets off an alarm in our subconscious mind, that we’re entering territory that has not been mapped or surveyed, and that danger may lurk around every corner.

4- While the prevalent question before used to be “can this relationship be saved?” Nowadays the question turned to be “Should this relationship be saved?” And millions of people decide that the answer is no. In fact, ironically, many people now view divorce as an opportunity for personal growth. It’s not within relationship that people grow and change, according to this increasingly popular view, it’s when the relationship falls apart. But it’s not the separation that will open your eyes to your self-defeating behaviors and give you an opportunity to resolve those problems with a new partner, you have to understand the unconscious desires that motivated your dysfunctional behavior in the first relationship and learn how to satisfy those desires with your partner.

5- When you accept the limited nature of your own perceptions and become more receptive to the truth of your partner’s perceptions, a whole world opens up to you. Instead of seeing your partner’s differing views as a source of conflict, you realize that they are a source of knowledge: “What have you learned that I have yet to learn?” Relationships give you the opportunity to be continually schooled in your own reality and in the reality of another person. You realize also that reality is larger and more complex than either of you will ever know.

6- Most of your partner’s criticisms of you have some basis in reality. Most people are expert at spotting their mates’ Achilles’ heel. Unfortunately, most people also tend to deliver this valuable information in an accusatory manner, immediately arousing the partner’s defenses, but the pain of hearing a criticism is largely due to its accuracy. If the person could accept the truth in his partner’s remarks, he would become more aware of a significant disowned trait. That would give him the data he needs to grow and change.

7- In a healthy relationship, you realize that you live with another person who is not an extension of you. Your partner is a unique individual who has an equally valid point of view. Failure to recognize each other’s separate existence is the major source of conflict between partners.

8- It’s not important to agree with your partner on everything, but it’s important to validate his opinion and accept it like saying “When I see it from your point of view, yes, you do make sense. I just see things differently”. Each of us defends our separate reality. It must be connected to our fear of the loss of self. If I see it your way, I will have to surrender my way. If I feel your experience, I will have to invalidate mine. If what you say is true, then what I say must be false. There can be only one centre of the universe and that centre is me! But if I muster the courage to suspend my own point of view for a moment and then manage to see a fraction of your reality, something miraculous happens. You feel safer around me because I am no longer challenging your world-view, you can start to lower your defenses. You become more willing to acknowledge a portion of my reality, you are more willing to let go of yours. To our mutual surprise, a drawbridge begins to descend on its rusty hinges, and you and I connect.

9- When in conversation with your partner, it’s important to be a responsible sender as it is important to be a good listener. When you moderate the intensity of your emotions, your partner will feel safe enough to relax and listen. After all, your goal is not to wound your partner but to deepen the connection between you. 

10- Most husbands and wives have identical needs, but what is openly acknowledged in one is denied in the other. When the partner with the denied need are able to overcome their resistance and satisfy the other partners’ overt need, a part of the unconscious mind interprets the caring behavior as self-directed. Love of the self is achieved through the love of the other.

11- Underneath every wish is a fear of having that with come true. When your partner starts treating you the way you long to be treated, you experience a strange combination of pleasure and fear. You like what your partner is doing but a part of you feels that you don’t deserve it. In fact, a part of you believes that in accepting the positive behavior you are violating a powerful taboo. The defense against receiving love is more common than most people would believe. The fear can range from an inability to accept compliments to an inability to form an intimate partnership. The way to overcome this fear is to keep on with the process of receiving the positive behavior.

12- When one changes in the way his partner wanted him to change might mean to some that the “me” that they were familiar with had to go away. On an unconscious level, the change can be equated with death. When you’re going to change your behavior, you’re going to feel anxious from time to time, but you’re not going to die. You are not going to disappear because you are not your behaviors, your value or your beliefs. You are much bigger than all those things combined. In fact, if you are going to change some of your more limiting behaviors and your beliefs, you would become more fully the person you were, the whole, loving, spiritual being you had been as a child.

13- Safety plays a vital role in creating lasting love. Two people cannot be passionate friends unless they feel safe in each other’s company. Couples need to feel physically safe, to be sure, but they also need to feel emotionally safe. Without safety, they cannot say what’s on their minds, express their full range of feelings, or be who they really are. They cannot lay down their armor and connect, even if they truly want to. We are all built that way. Danger activates our defenses.

14- Divorce doesn’t solve the problems, it is meant to solve. There are primarily two reasons people divorce. One is to escape a relationship that has been painful, loveless or destructive. The second is to seek a more satisfying life with a new partner or alone. But those goals are not always accomplished through divorce. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. People are shocked to discover that their difficulties continue to hound them in spite of their single status or their choice of partner. You are failing to notice how the habits you both have developed and the roles you’ve both played have contributed to your unworkable marriage. Unfortunately, you take those habits with you when you go.

15- Different is okay. A great relationship doesn’t depend on a great meeting of the minds. You’re not ever going to see things through your partner’s eyes. You will rarely understand and appreciate how and why your partner views the world in his or her particular way. The reason you won’t be able to do it is because you are so totally different from each your partner. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically, and historically different. You have been conditioned differently by the world, you have different priorities, and you value different things in different ways. Now you need to live with it and stop rejecting it and thinking that you have to see things eye to eye.

16- A great relationship doesn’t demands a great romance. Even though your life with your partner should include plenty of romance. There are many times when you and your partner need to make an effort to be romantic, to go out on real dates as you did when you first met, to fill your life with candlelight dinners and weekends away from the kids. But the truth is that being in love is not like falling in love. People miss that dizzy feeling of infatuation that takes place at the very start of the relationship. Most people don’t know how to measure success in a relationship. Just because feelings change doesn’t mean that those feelings have to be less rewarding. What once was dizzying and exciting and thus very positive can very well become deep and secure, which is also very positive. You got to learn how to move to the next stages of love.

17- A great relationship doesn’t require a great problem-solving. Some couples, because they cannot agree on a core issue, interpret the lack of agreement as a purely personal rejection, and they stay bent out of shape about it forevermore. They carry that emotional pain forward and may well start telling themselves that there’s something wrong with the relationship, which is in fact just fine. Other healthier couples simply agree to disagree. They don’t let the arguments get too personal, nor do they resort to insults or counterattacks because they feel frustrated. Realistic partners achieve what psychologists call “emotional closure.” They don’t achieve closure on the issue, but they do achieve closure on the emotions. They give themselves permission to disagree without having to declare that one party is right and the other party is wrong. They decide to reconnect at a feeling level rather than disconnecting at an issue level.

18- A great relationship isn’t a peaceful one. Don’t worry about times you argue. That’s not the determining factor in your relationship stability and quality. Instead, it is determined by the nature of the way you argue, and by how you deal with the argument once it has run its course. If, for example, you are the type of combatant in a relationship who quickly abandons issues of disagreement and instead attacks the worth of the person with whom you are arguing, you are being a destructive force in your relationship.

19- A great relationship doesn’t mean venting all your feelings. We all have an infinite array of thoughts and feelings about our partners, a lot to which we have given a voice because it seemed like “a good idea at the time.” But upon reflection, the thoughts shouldn’t have been communicated for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that you didn’t really mean it. Let’s be honest, it feels sort of good to blurt out something in the heat of the moment about your partner’s weaknesses and let it loose like that, to finally feel like you had the upper hand. But what good did it do? None. For a moment you felt the exhilaration of rage, and you quite possibly damaged your relationship, and sometimes the damage can be permanent. It’s not that you should hide truths and be dishonest, but in order to meet the criteria of being open and honest, you need to be sure how you genuinely feel, you need to know if what you’re about to say is going to be said in the most appropriate manner.

20- A great relationship can survive a flawed partner. Sometimes, we feel that because something is not mainstream, then it must be toxic to the relationship, and that’s not necessarily true. Everyone has quirks and odd personality traits, and they can sometimes seem bizarre. If your partner’s quirks and nuances are non-abusive to you and non-destructive to him or her, you cann work on them. But at the same time, you can also accommodate them and enjoy a rewarding and fulfilling relationship.

21- A great relationship doesn’t mean that you should get your partner straightened out. Many of us assume that if we could just modify our partner’s thinking, feeling, and behavior, our relationship would be so much better. That’s a myth. The most important person for you to influence is yourself. You are the most important person in this relationship, and you must be the focus of your beginning efforts to change this relationship. You must rediscover your own dignity and self-esteem, your own personal power. You can either stay self-centered and keep blaming your partner, or you can make the choice to be self-directed and start working for real change. 

A Guest Post BY JOY MALI

Trips are one of the best ways to spend some memorable times with friends and family members. If you are also planning a trip with your loved ones, then there are a million things you need to do before leaving for the trip. It is very easy to let some of the crucial “to-dos” slip through the cracks which may ruin your tour. Here, we’ll enlist some important things that people often forget to do before they bid adieu to their homes.

1. Pay all your pending bills

You should pay-off all your pending bills before going on a holiday. You can schedule automatic payments for your pending bills. In this way, you can save yourself from any late fees that may be applicable, and you don’t have to worry about these bills during your fun vacation.

2. Remove unnecessary items from your wallet

You should sort through your wallet and remove all the items that would be unnecessary for your trip. Some examples of unnecessary items are extra credit cards, foreign currency from your last trip, and reward cards that can only be used in your own country.

3. Make copies of all your important items
Before going on the trip, you should carry your money and documents carefully. You should have copies of your credit cards and passport with you. If you, unfortunately, lose them on your trip, you can have paper copies or scanned copies in your email.

4. Update your calendar

Be sure to double-check your work calendar in order to see if there are any important commitments that you’ve made while you are gone. You can reschedule your important tasks before you leave. You should also check other non-work related appointments, and postpone or cancel them before leaving for your vacation.

5. Unplug and switch off all your appliances

You should remember to turn off all the appliances, or better yet, unplug all of them. This will conserve energy as well as money. Furthermore, you should clean out all perishables from the fridge so you are not in for a nasty surprise when you get back.

6. Book your hotel in advance

This is one of the most important things that you should do before leaving, as this can make or break your trip. If your tour destination is famous, then there are high chances of non-availability of hotel rooms when you arrive there. You can book a hotel room online in advance through online booking websites which also provide benefits such as discount coupons.

7. Get the kitchen in order

You should wash all the dirty dishes and take out the trash. It is also a nice idea to wipe down the counters with a good anti-bacterial spray so you do not come back to find insects feasting on any crumbs.

8. Pick up snacks, movies and reading material

These are small but important things to take with you on a trip. Don’t blow your budget at a railway station or airport by forgetting to buy these crucial items beforehand. Further, you should also keep a power bank to make sure your phone’s battery is always powered.

9. Take all medicines according to your requirement

It is important to keep all the medicines you need with you. For example, if you are concerned about Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT), you should keep stock of some low-dose aspirin before your journey.

10. Request your neighbor to keep an eye
It is essential to inform your neighbors about your departure and request them to keep an eye on your property. You can ask them to help you take care of your plants and pets, to move your valuables, especially cars in event of emergencies, to check doors, the rear of the house occasionally etc.

Wrapping Up:

These are some crucial things to do before you leave home to enjoy your holidays. You should keep above things in mind to make your vacation enjoyable and memorable. If you have a few more tips that aren’t already mentioned here, please feel free to enlighten us with your knowledge in the comments section below.

When I grow up, I learned something precious, I learned that the more you know about yourself and about your life, the easier your life will get. Therefore, I always make sure I learn as much as I can, mostly from books because you can’t experience everything and books are a great way to learn as if you were experienced, even much better than being experienced. I can’t say that now I’m applying all that I learned, I’m trying yeah, but one can’t apply everything he learns, even though, I like to share it so maybe someone else out there will apply some of it. The good that you can’t benefit from it fully, share it so that someone else might benefit from it, and right then, that good can’t be used any better. The lessons below are mainly from self-help books such as “Change your thoughts-Change your life” for “Dr. Wayne W. Dyer” and “Would/Coulda/Shoulda” for “Dr. Arthur Freeman” and “Rose DeWolf”

30 Priceless Lessons Self-Help Books Taught Me (Part II)

1- Practice knowing when to stop. Alert yourself to recognizing when it’s good time to stop demanding, chasing, talking, walking, working, sleeping, playing, shopping, complaining, striving, and so on. By practicing cessation, you’ll move into prioritizing what’s important in your life in that moment.

2- See imperfections as perfect. Become aware of your conditioned responses that lead you to label people, places, and circumstances as less than perfect. Recognize yourself first and foremost as a creation of God, which is your perfection. It has nothing to do with how you look or any so called mistakes or failures you may have attracted to yourself, even though these superficialities will continue throughout your entire life.

3- See the value of subtraction or ‘daily diminishing’. Begin to consciously decrease your need to purchase more things. Keep in mind that the advertising world is designed to convince you that your happiness is tied to whatever it’s promoting. So instead of buying more, see how many of your accumulated possessions you can recirculate.

4- You came here with ‘no-thing’ and you leave with ‘no-thing’, so take great pleasure in all that has arrived in your life. There’s even greater pleasure to be had in knowing that your ability to live peacefully and happily isn’t dependent on how much stuff you add to your life.

5- Begin to see yourself as a person who notices instead of judges. Avoid taking one position and sticking to it no matter what the circumstances are; rather be in harmony with all people, especially those whose opinions conflict with yours.

6- Realize how much your life matters. Live your life knowing that the difference you choose to make is toward wholeness, not destructiveness.

7- Talking to convince others actually says more about your need to be right than their need to hear what you have to say. So rather than trying to persuade others, keep quiet.

8- Practice the art of allowing yourself. Begin by letting yourself be more spontaneous and less regimented in your daily life. Tell the authoritarian part of you to take a break by affirming: ‘I am free to be myself. I do not have to live by anyone else’s rules, and I release the need for laws to regulate my behavior.

9- Practice the art of allowing others. Everyone has a strong sense of what they want to do, what limits they have, and how to actualize their dreams. Allow others and enjoy how your nonauthoritarian leadership inspires them to be themselves.

10- Change the way you look at your life by moderating your ego. See yourself as a being who gives rather than collect, and live on what you need rather than practicing conspicuous consumption.

11- Look for the simplicity in what you call complicated by seeing that in this moment. Look at what you have and realize that you’re obviously fine in this moment. You have no problem, though you think you have. To believe that you need what you don’t have in insane and to believe that you can’t be content and happy now because your future appears to you to be difficult is another form of insanity.

12- Think small. Change your notion of “thinking big” to “thinking small and getting big things done”. Examine whatever it is that seems so enormous that it terrifies you to start. Then shift your thinking to see what can be done today in your precious present moments, completely ignoring the overall picture. Your accomplishments will magnify into greatness when you undertake the small, by doing so, you’ll paradoxically see huge results.

13- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Forget about the end result; when you arrive where you thought you wanted to be, you’ll just begin a new journey. So enjoy each step along the way and keep in mind that every goal is possible from here. Just do one thing, one day at a time.

14- Never assume that you know what’s best, even if you’re older, wiser, and richer than others and have more influence and power than they do. Instead stay low, speak softly and remain humble; and let others be in control of their lives as much as humanly possible.

15- Remain a servant. See yourself as someone who’s on this planet to assist others. Look for opportunities to be of aid.

16- Practice seeing yourself in everyone else. If someone you love is hurting, you experience their pain. Therefore, whenever you say or do something that’s harmful to someone you love, you’re doing something to harm yourself.

17- Refuse to think of anyone as your adversary. Affirm: “I have no enemies. There are people with whom I have strong disagreements. I may even be required to defend myself and my way of life, but I will not think of them as adversaries”. Without an enemy, you will surely triumph.

18- Focus on loving the life you have now in the body you’ve got. Affirm:”My body is perfect, born at precisely the right time, and this is the perfect age now. I accept myself as I am. I accept my role in the perfection of this universe at this time”.

19- Don’t see caution as a weakness or as an expression of fear. Bravery is a fine quality, but reckless bravery, that is where you rush in without thinking, is a sure way to invite disaster.Think before you act, very often your first impulse is dominated by your ego’s need to win and conquer.

20- Be an active listener rather than attempting to control others by speaking frequently and loudly. Many of the answers you seek and the results you expect from others will surface if you can remember not to speak or even ask.

21- Be strong by bending. Be willing to be like palm trees who bend in the midst of hurricane-force winds so that they won’t break. The same is true for the way you relate to others, so listen more, allow your viewpoints to be challenged and bend when necessary.

22- Reduce surplus. Reduce what’s in excess in your life and then offer it when it can be utilized. Begin with your stuff: clothing, furniture, tools… or anything that you have too much of. Don’t sell it, rather give it away. Then think about your intangible abundance of health, joy, kindness, love or inner peace and seek ways to offer those glorious feelings to those who could benefit from your bounty.

23- End on love no matter what. Rather than reacting with old patterns of residual anger, revenge, and hurt, visualize offering kindness, love and forgiveness. Make this your standard response to any future altercations: “I end on love, no matter what!”.

24- Practice radical appreciation. Begin a practice of joyfully engaging with the things you take for granted. Choose to pay attention. Spend more time close to home in awe over the many simple treasures that make up your life.

25- See paradise all around you. Change your belief that you must travel, be worldly and experience distant lands and people in order to have a fulfilling life. Keep in mind the thought offered by Voltaire: “Paradise is where I am.” If where you are is at home, with the same people, the same furniture, the same photographs, make it your paradise. Find joy and solace in the simple. Change your view to see the pleasure in what you have, where you’re located and who you are.

26-Quit accumulating points for being right. End you quarreling ways by simply telling the other person something like this: “You’re right about that, and I appreciate hearing your point of view.” This ends the argument and eliminates blame and faultfinding at the same time.

27- If you want to change a habit, you must first make yourself aware of it. If you want to stop biting your nails, you have to consciously pay attention to that action so that you can stop it. So it goes for the bad habits of thinking such as negative thoughts, complaining, regrets, comparison…

28- We all want to quit bad habits, but the reason why we can’t do that is because we’re getting something out of doing that habit. The hard truth is that even the most negative of situations can yield some satisfaction. Even wallowing in misery can have its advantages, it may enable you to hold on to a dream, to believe in a fantasy.

29- Imagination is a gift. It helps us deal with harsh reality. It enhances our pleasures. But for all fantasy’s wonderful attributes, it can sometimes be a curse. Fantasy is harmful, and a barrier to real accomplishment, when it becomes our primary way of relating to life. And yet, we don’t want to let them go because they do provide a measure of comfort. It may not be much, but it’s something. Well, it seems like something, anyway. We use fantasy to provide relief from anxiety or guilt. As long as you dwell upon the single route to happiness you did not take, you are excusing yourself from the effort of seeking out another route. You certainly aren’t going to obtain happiness by merely dreaming about it.

30- Expectations are the root of disappointment because by constantly rehearsing your expectation, you store them in your memory as if they had actually happened. When an unexpected hitch causes you to cancel your vacation plans, the sense of loss you feel is conditioned by the fact that you have “seen” yourself having a relaxed and wonderful time. If, instead, you had “seen” your cruise ship sinking in mid-ocean, you’d probably feel relieved to hear the trip was canceled.

31- Whenever you compare what you have to your modified, improved memory of what you had before, the present comes up short. When you break up with someone you loved and you keep fantasizing about that person, you’ll start to remember only the good memories and imagine how good your life would be were you still together now and married. You won’t be thinking of living through everyday annoyances such as the furnace breaking down or a quarrel over money or a dispute about the children, because these things never had the chance to develop. If there ever was anything about him or her that bothered you, you had long since modified your memory of it. And then you seem like you can’t have anyone who measures up to the one you lost. But how could someone measure up to that standard? No one can be as perfect as much polished, idealized memory. You can be married and dissatisfied with your mate because you keep comparing him or her with “the one who got away”, who of course, not only remembered as wonderful, but whose memory has been significantly improved.

32- “Change your mood” may seem to be no better advise than “just forget it’, since there is no “mood switch” attached to the human head. But experience shows that it is possible to change one’s mood by changing one’s thoughts. You can make yourself feel more relaxed by deliberately conjuring up thoughts of activities you find enjoyable, like lying on a beach.

33- Remember that the more you repeat something, the more likely you are to keep it in the front of your mind. When you continue to review a mistake, a missed opportunity, or a wrong done to you in the past, you keep the memory fresh, the injury current, the loss immediate and the pain fresh. But if you can stop repeating those thoughts, you are more likely to be able to forget them. Information that is not used, tend to decay. Even if the information does not disappear from your long-term memory, at least it will move out from your mind’s short-term memory.

34- To change your mood and thereby begin the process of forgetting, you must take some action that will interrupt your thoughts, even if temporarily, like checking for errors of thinking. When you are upset, negative thoughts flow automatically through your mind. When you make yourself aware of those thoughts and analyze them (“Am I catastrophizing? Am I personalizing? Am I fortunetelling?”), you are acting to interrupt them and you act to change a defeated mood into a more positive, questioning, assertive one.

35- When you want to forget, you have to concentrate completely only on what you are going to do today and tomorrow. You have to concentrate on making some kind of change. You have to work on developing new activities that will result in “new memories”. When you have new memories, you will find that you have not totally forgotten what happened in your past. However, you will have changed the way you remember. What is now that past that casts a shadow on your life will become the past that used to get in your way but doesn’t anymore.

Although we learn a lot about relationships when we're into one, we learn more when we're out of it. After grieving, we start to see things clearly without complications; without all the feelings that gets into the way of mind that prevents it from thinking straight. We start to see the big picture thus, we learn from our mistakes better. Below are some lessons you only learn after a breakup:

1- Some people are incorrigible, don't waste your time raising hopes that one day maybe they'll change, once an asshole, always an asshole.

2- Sometimes when it comes to relationships, we think that we're the exception to the rules that's why we, stubbornly, refuse to listen to others who had been in our place. While every relationship is unique, sometimes to listen to the advice, especially when it comes from experts is important, not only to listen but to consider it too, and I'm not talking here about others intervening in your relationship and telling you what to do, but I'm talking about others' experiences that are like yours.

3- Although you know that things won't be the way you're imagining it. There's no perfect relationship. While a relationship might bring you some feeling of fulfillment, it might also bring you stress and misery at times. At the end, it's whether it's worth the try or you stay single! When we love we seem not able to think straight. They say love isn't blind, it's full of seeing and acceptance, you see all your partner's flaws, and you accept them all, unconditionally. No one is flawless, we obviously all agree on that, but sometimes, some things show up throughout the relationship as signs to tell you that you aren't meant for each other, thus it's useless to try to force things and that's where blindness lies.

4- When I went through a quiz to see what I want from a partner, I came out with attention and quality time. I thought how obvious it was to want such things, it's almost a granted right, except many relationships are too dry from attention and care that we stopped considering it as an obvious essential in a relationship and started wishing for it. Nothing can kill a relationship faster than not giving attention and care!

5- Sometimes it's not about the problem, it's about hearing us, we need someone to listen, we need to be able to share our problems and concerns, but we don't need someone to give us solutions or tell us what to do. Why be in that relationship if your partner doesn't want to listen! It was never about the way you think or talk, it's about your partner who doesn't want to listen, let alone understand, and then even when he apologize, it's hard to forgive him without screaming at him that he didn't understand you at all. He might not understand but then could any man? Yet at least he still can listen, now can't he?

6- Being single, even if you felt happy the way you are and like you don't need or want any man in your life, that doesn't mean that when you'll see some happy couples, you won't feel a slight hint of jealousy for not having anyone in your life to be happy with, and it's okay. Every situation has its pluses and minus, no situation is better than the other, you just have to enjoy every moment you have.

7- After you break up and you're over that relationship, thus you're no more angry or hurt, you'll feel lonely sometimes, mostly at night when you're not exhausted enough to sleep fast and not give a chance to those thoughts of him to haunt you, you'll miss him. You'll miss your relationship because no matter how many fights and arguments you had, there was certainly some good moments. You'll remember those moments and you'll remember how good it felt. It's okay to feel so, but it doesn't mean that you should go back or question your breakup decision. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel, but watch out your actions. Not just because you can, that you should. Eventually, someone else will take his place and you'll together make other memories and moments, and you'll forget, that's why we have the ability to forget. Most of all, you'll be able to love again, harder even. As long as your heart is beating, you'll be able to love and forget and love again, until there's no more heartbeats there!

8- Sometimes when we see all those breakups and divorces, we stop believing in a lasting love, in a lasting relationship anymore and I myself get discouraged about getting involved in a relationship, I mean why to get into it when you're going to break up eventually. We seem to see the negative and forget that the positive and the good is more than the negative, look around you'll see for sure so many old couples that will make you believe again in a lifetime and a till-death-do-us-apart love! Someone else's failure shouldn't demotivate you from doing it because you're forgetting that if only once person failed, a lot of people did it and succeeded. When a marriage fails, remember that they're are too many happily married for decades.

9- Life might sound good at day, but at night, you feel awfully lonely without the companionship of a partner, it's nothing about sex, it's just about having someone to share your life with, someone who'll listen to you and hold you in his embrace when life is taught, when you feel like not holding on anymore, even the mere thought that you have someone in your life with whom you're deeply in love can do. Distance doesn't matter, sometimes it doesn't matter if you were in his embrace or world apart, love knows no distance.

10- If someone couldn't accept you or love you from the very beginning, then nothing will make them do. Don't fool yourself, what you do has nothing to do with love and acceptance. Not because you're going to act in some kind of way that they're going finally to love you. Don't fool yourself and let it go, accept that they won't change, they won't love you and they won't certainly accept you not now not ever, that's not likely to happen. You deserve unconditional love and acceptance, don't settle for less. 

11- A relationship can't work unless you accept yourself fully. It took me a failed relationship to learn this. I wasn't accepting myself, and I didn't know back then what doesn't mean to accept yourself nor how to do it. When I loved and found someone who cared about me, I was constantly asking for self-esteem and confidence from my partner, it feels good to know that someone cares for you and see you as a great person. Thus, all I wanted to hear is how much he loved me and so, and anything else didn't matter, I become very jealous, very vulnerable, trying hard to impress him... Only when I broke up and become single again that hard to find happiness and to be somebody of a worth, at first to prove him wrong about me being unworthy, leading an empty life, but in the process, I started doing the things I love, I started making new friends, traveling and working hard on my dreams, and right then I found myself and my happiness, not just that, but also I found some answers for why things didn't work out for my last relationship, it was me, I went into a relationship looking for someone to accept me because I couldn't accept myself.

12- The end of the relationship might seem as a reason to mourn, while it’s merely a part of the life cycle, “no life, life, no life” it’s not the end, it’s the beginning of a new relationship, that’s how you should view it, if you’ll get trap in the depression of the breakup, then you’re not allowing these feelings to be a part of life, and you’re then forgetting that endings becomes beginnings.

To refuse to love for the fear of getting hurt is like refusing to live for the fear of death. You got to accept that there is relationships and there is breakups, why to go through a relationship in the first place when we're going to break up! that's not the question. The question is what I got there to learn!

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